scrabbled by james at 10:48 PM  
oh yeah, another thing: everything has to be taken in context. you can't just take something from fifty years ago and say that it still represents our society today unequivocally; most likely, it didn't even then. You can't even do that from five years ago. times change; but the past stays how it was until someone decides to use it for themselves.
sigh.

scrabbled by james at 10:42 PM  
hrfffff.....

I'm trying to work on a webpage for a project right now, but I've distracted myself. It's a bit of a nuisance.
One of the things I distracted myself with was the blog of this one guy called vast right-wing conspiracy. needless to say, I was rather irritated. judging by the writing and the referencing, the guy's probably pretty intelligent. However, I cannot agree with him in any way shape or form because I'm set so far away from his principles. They're so fucking close-minded and didactic and irritating, for fuck's sake. Essentially, Liberalism is wrong; everything is set in stone; there is One True God and Jesus is his Son, and that's that; and if you don't agree with any of this then you're a bad person. I cannot tolerate fucking hardline black-and-white viewpoints that don't allow for people to be their own person. And that's what this guy's all about. It's fucking irritating.

I'm a capitalist. I'm also left-leaning. A socialist friend of mine once asked me how I could be both left-wing and capitalist; it's really rather simple. For one, Capitalism is not a bad thing. Capitalism is not necessarily a right-wing thing either. The primary idea behind capitalism is essentially the right to self-determination, and the right to be rewarded for your work. This must be separated from the stereotypical "Capitalist" viewpoint, which is that money is the be-all-end-all-will-do-whatever-it-takes-and-screw-whoever. That's a bit more Machiavellian, if I'm identifying it correctly. If not, Machiavellians, don't get pissed off at me misrepresenting you; the exposure I've had I actually sympathise. (A book I saw was entitled "What Would Machiavelli Do?", and the last chapter was what he wouldn't do: Be a Jerk. It was rather amusing from what I saw of it, actually...) Huge corporations opressing people has nothing to do with capitalism; it has to do with human decisions. A corporation can be huge without it hurting people in third world countries or whatever; Capitalism has nothing to do with that. Capitalism doesn't mean you're immoral or anything like that, and a lot of socialists need to realise that. Communism has hurt more than Capitalism ever could, and, as a note, it couldn't even work in theory. In order for it to work in theory, people would have to be exactly equal. Which is stagnant and gives no incentive to excel or anything.

Capitalism will alway be there; it is the incentive to excel. It is the reward for your deeds. It is a fundamental part of human nature. People just tend to associate it with the bad things that giant businesses do and commercialism, which again is not Capitalism. Commercialism is inspired by Capitalism, which does not mean that Capitalism has a part in it. For a different example in a current events sort of way, all the terrorism stuff going on right now is inspired by Islam, but does not mean that Islam has a part in it. Just because some people share both of these views does not automatically mean the two are the same. They can be very different, even. Commercialism isn't even necessarily a bad thing either; it's how most people get their culture in Western Society. It's merely irritating sometimes.

I am a Capitalist. I am not a Commercialist.

I am Left-Wing. I am not a Socialist.

and in reference to one of the quotes the guy from before used, I am an atheist. I am also a moral person. You don't have to be religious in order to have a decent value system. And just because one is religious doesn't mean they have a decent value system as well. Remember what I said: just because two things are associated does not mean they are the same, or always together. Generalisations hurt us all. (gasp! that's a generalisation! agh!)

yeah.

scrabbled by james at 4:00 PM  
sigh.

I was writing something up in here and I meant to push control-right arrow to skip back a word, but pressed alt-right arrow and skipped back a page. so it's gone. sigh. so now I have to write an entry from scratch all over again. this is not a very comfortable keyboard. sigh.

that's three sighs so far.

listening to the songs on my computer. I wish I had a better computer. but I don't, so I have to make do. not due. I know my phrases.

I kind of think that maybe I'd like to change the layout on my page completely. but I don't know if I really want to go to the effort of figuring out all the suff and making it aesthetically pleasing and whatnot. because I need it to be a perfect representative of me. because I'm special. and phrases and moods are coming to my mind from other people's work and I want to have them for myself but I can't.

the smiths are coming to mind.

I like the smiths, but at the same time I can't stand them. I blame morrisey. he's a melodramatic idiot who at the same time isn't (?) to me.

yeah. and i've distracted myself and I have things to work on today that I don't really want to. sigh.

so I guess I should do them, though.

hm.

scrabbled by james at 9:35 PM  
okay, it worked.

scrabbled by james at 9:35 PM  
okay, my blog is screwed up right now... let's see if a new post will fix it.

scrabbled by james at 9:33 PM  
been getting a hold of zeina for the first time pretty much since the 20th over emails. and she seems to be taking things well. which is something I'm glad for. I don't want her feeling bad over me. so.

... and I lost my train of thought and am now unsure of what to put.




hm.

scrabbled by james at 9:17 PM  
day 3 at home.

I need to find more websites. I'm tired of going to the same ones over and over again.
sigh.

scrabbled by james at 1:26 AM  
day 2 at home.

went out today; got myself some little accessories to make my crazy little keyboard more fun. yee-haw!
and as I'm walking around town, I keep thinking to myself that perhaps I'll run into someone that I know, as I've gotten so used to it from at university. I have no time for myself because I'm always running into people. It's not an entirely bad thing not having any 'me'-time, but I do miss it sometimes. Right now I feel so odd and cut out. where are my friends, dammit?! sigh. I just feel like I don't really belong in this town. it's familiar, but alien.
alien.
alien.

shaved part of my head today; did the undercut. for anyone out there that's reading this that doesn't know me (yeah right... like anyone reads this) I've got long hair on top and short underneath. and a lot of stuff on my computer just died out of nowhere. so I think I'll save this post and restart my computer.

okay, did that; everything seems to be back now. and I don't know.

I feel like such a more important person in other people's lives now than I used to. I've been told by tash and other people that I hung around with in high school that people are wondering what I'm up to or where I've been or how to get a hold of me. It seems that people actually cared about my existence. Astounding. and now I actually have friends and I'm part of an active social circle where I'm involved, and it's amazing. and the back of my head feels so soft from being freshly shaven. rubbery.
and my being is crying out for these people, to have them touch me and love me and I feel so much like a movie or a story sometimes; and I feel like I'm hyperventilating with the extremities of emotion.

watched dazed and confused yesterday. part of the reason was that it was done by richard linklater, the guy who just did waking life. and behind all the drugs and drinking and whatnot, there's the one guy; I think his name's mike. tall, dark wavy hair. I'm never good with names. some of the things he says echo me so well. I don't want to live a sort of prelude to life; I want to live. I want to really live. and I feel like I'm exploding when I feel this way.

I need to escape the confines of myself and be truly free.

the hour's going to skip soon; I'm not sure which hour it is, but we're going to repeat it. I may very well have started this before I end it. I may very well write a novella for a post. I may very well go insane.

I may very well let people know I exist. why not?


I am so enamoured with myself.
and I like to think that I'm so poetic.
... I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes. and I'm wishing I did.

scrabbled by james at 1:36 AM  
hey there world.
I'm at home right now, listening to david bowie. heroes. SMIL rocks.

this has been an eventful week that I haven't been talking about, really. went downtown on monday, saw tash and then the trail of dead. good fucking show. the energy is astounding.

I can't really remember a lot of what else happened this week. hm.

I got this crazy old keyboard at value village on wednesday. my friend stephen saw it later and thought it was the coolest thing. we hooked it up to my guitar pedals and amplifier; it sounds amazing with that. throbbing industrial drums and piercing electronic sounds. it's so amazing. the general concensus is that it was the best two dollars I ever spent.

I can't think of anything right now.
been having bizarre dreams over the last while that have seemed real all the time. keep half-waking thinking I'm in one of my friend's rooms. residence has become my world and it can be so unearthly.
made a movie the other day for a class; I'm absorbed into the film. I am a movie sometimes, I swear. pretty funny, though the camera was screwing up. dv camera, it was pixelating the images badly.

took some photos the other day; double images are the most amazing thing. I took about half of my roll as them; they are so gorgeous. I wish I had a scanner or something. I'm so enamoured with myself sometimes.
(sometimes? hah!)

I wonder if anyone's read this yet?

scrabbled by james at 5:06 PM  
as I seem to like to start these, listening to the legendary pink dots right now, Under Triple Moons. The mood is right for me right now. was listening to some Throbbing Gristle that I found in the library earlier, 2nd annual report. I hadn't heard any of them, so I seized the opportunity when I saw it in the catalogue. so.

from earlier on paper:

Broke up with Zeina last night. She's not too happy about it.
I don't regret it and I can't say I'm sorry, but I wish it was easier. Easier for both of us.
I don't like being in this situation; it's full of bad feelings and resentment.

I can say that I'm sorry that it hurts, I'm sorry that it's going to go on. But I can't say that I'm sorry that we broke up. And I won't apologise for not saying it.
But this is what I need.

--------

So yeah. I have no idea what I'm going to do now. I'll find something, somehow, somewhere.
And something she said last night as it was happening is rather accurate. She said that for someone who says 'I don't know' so much I seem to be pretty sure of what I'm saying. Which is true. I am pretty sure of what I'm saying. I just don't know how to say it. I never know, and I don't think I'll ever be able to say what I mean easily and how I mean it. It's just difficult, sometimes.

Often.

scrabbled by james at 10:37 PM  
listening to Get Ready. This is an excellent fucking album. If you like New Order, buy this immediately.

everything about it is good. it has the sort of guitar tonality that I like, the vocals are very direct and not held back, the mixing is excellent, nothing is in an obnoxious place, the songs are great, and the guest appearances aren't distracting attempts to cash in on other people's fanbases (particularly Billy Corgan's; I know I know the other guy's name from somewhere but I can't remember); it's just a good album all around. it suits me so well. it is what I want entirely.


outside of all this I have no idea what I'm doing. I think I'm dragging things out and making them unpleasant, possibly. Sigh. I want to dance and scream vocals and this song is so good. I'm unsure of things but I want to flail. And this has essentially taken over from my previous paper copies, but I feel like I have to be more reserved in what I type.
I don't know; I don't know; I don't know. It's a common refrain for me. Harmonyharmonyharmonyharmonyharmony.


I'm dancing in my head and feeling splintered somewhat.

scrabbled by james at 3:18 AM  
just got back from seeing the toilet boys playing downtown. Saw Tash for the first time since August. it was good to see her again. I like being with her. I don't know; she makes me happy. I guess she's just a good person for me.

...
and I'm having difficulty thinking of what to write. I got their new CD at the show; listening to it now. the stupid seedy player is playing a sort of scratch mix. Also got the new New Order; haven't gotten a chance to listen to it again yet. I'm looking forward to that. It should be good. Getting ready (hah! it's a joke).

I'll be seeing her again over the next few days; we'll have more of a chance to talk then. I'm going downtown again on Monday for ... And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead; we're planning on meeting up at some point that day. It'll be good to see her for a longer period of time in a more personal setting. I kind of hope no one decides to come with me so I can talk to her more personally, perhaps. I don't know. I don't know what I want to do. She's a very good friend of mine.

and
   I
    don't
         know
             .

Sigh.

scrabbled by james at 11:35 PM  
I am going so crazy; the world is turned completely upside down. I have no idea what i'm doing anymore. Again. All I can do is swear at myself or listen to Iggy Pop really loud. I'm doing the latter. I'm probably disturbing people but I don't care. The Idiot. Always reminds me of Dostoevsky. I have to finish that book.

I really don't know what to do about my situation. Or rather, I probably know but I'm being a nuisance to myself and others about it. I can't get satisfied, and I expect if I try again elsewhere I won't succeed there either (which wouldn't stop me anyway). I don't know. I'm just so hectic inside that I need ventilation and can't find it well. I think that's my desire for Waking Life, and my desire for Iggy. I swear to god that Iggy Pop has some of the greatest songs ever written. I will never cease to be moved by the Passenger, no matter how many times it is commercialised. I remains one song I can never get sick of; it's just so fucking good and fits me so well. Iggy knew what he was doing. Iggy is one of the greatest people who has ever existed right now. No one can represent my mind better than him at the moment. Everything is so fucking passionate.


I swear a lot when I'm feeling something passionately.

I swear a lot when I'm feeling something passionately.

I swear a lot when I'm feeling something passionately.

...
and I guess I can't really convey myself much better than that.


.

scrabbled by james at 3:39 PM  
I want to see the movie waking life so badly.

I don't know. I just watch the trailer and something about it just gets right to the centre of me. I don't know. I'm in an odd headframe now. I can't really feel satisfied. and it's empty, maybe. I just... I want to do something or change something or make something or ... something. unsatisfied and longing and it's excruciating in a way.

I feel like I'm stagnating, somehow.

the screen of my computer is messed up. the colours are warped with a pinkish tone, and cyan as an afterthought. the colours and the style of waking life feel like my head. I need something. I need something.

friends can't help me as much as I hoped they could.

scrabbled by james at 7:57 AM  
I've had no sleep this past night. It's 7:30 in the morning. The sky was full of pinks and reds five minutes ago, but now it's faded bluely. I took photos.

As for my no sleep, that is due to a guest who was not supposed to be mine using it. I'm not irritated, though; I'm still not tired. As soon as I lie down though I'll probably crash. I'm having breakfast right now. Honey Nut Cheerios. My friend's guest's bus is coming at some point this morning; I wonder if the intended host will have any part in seeing her off? Hm.

I've pretty much spent the night on my computer because of that. Not that it was a long night; the night was called at around 4:30, and not that I was tired either. It's actually shining brightly through the windows now (or at least shining). mm.

Watched two movies last night; no wait, three. First, the majority of Evil Dead 2, which is a hilarious fucking thing. Second, Metropolis, which is one of the oldest films I can think of which I've seen, and is really cool. Third, Pi, which I just saw for the first time. It was rather interesting; then again, I am a geek for stories revolving around theory. Still, even besides my biases it was good. One of the things which I found made it really stand out is its differentiation from typical musical score, using all electronic scoring instead of orchestral. It had a very definite effect on the film, I thought. Holly's movie (the infamous guest who I met for the first time yesterday... she seems pretty cool though).

And now I'm out of milk. I suppose that's on my list for today.





list for today:

• buy milk
  
• get film developed
  
• read all the stuff I haven't read for my courses
  
• work on my essay
  
• work on my other essay's proposal
  
• see Zeina when she gets back (almost definitely will happen...)
  
• sleep later if I can
  
  oh yeah I just remembered another:
  
  
• return metropolis to the library
  

and I think that's it... we'll see, I suppose. we'll see.

scrabbled by james at 10:49 PM  
erg... what I was writing just got erased, thanks to my stupid window not automatically sizing to the right height. I had to pull down the bottom of my window in order to access my scrolling arrows, and that made the damn thing reload, and then people fell from the sky and jumped on my head, so I had to deal with them, and then my damn seedy player was refusing to play anything but the scratch mix of bjork (which I just went to put on a second ago). It still is, damnit. fuck.

hold on a second.







okay we're doing the "computer cd player thing" now. headphones. it's a good headphone album anyway. I have to be careful while I'm typing, though, because if I hit the keyboard too hard it skips on me. stupid piece of junk.

okay, I've just been gone for about twenty minutes. listening to radiohead now. idioteque. wanting to listen to electronic stuff around now. I'm thinking about seeing about getting into tricky somewhat. something.

earlier, in my original post-to-be, I was commenting on how absorbed I've been with my computer. downloading all sorts of programs and trying to figure out what they do, maybe. but it's loads of stuff and I'm not figuring any of it out. downloaded a demo version of cubase earlier and I have no idea how to make it work yet. I was looking about pro tools as well, for comparative sake, but never actually found a demo version. then again, I didn't look too hard. things. people. words. foodstuffs.

approaching having a working webpage. figuring out how to work the ftp program; next stop, a coherent mess to work with. hahahaI'msofunny. just rambling on. languages languages.

...

indirection.

scrabbled by james at 4:01 PM  
boy do I feel special. I have my own computator now, and my own connection to this crazy 'inter-net' thing, and so now I can lose all semblance of a life that I have developed and become a complete internet geek. it's a super high-tech computer, a pentium mmx 266 processor laptop guy (oh yeah! top of the line!) with 32 mb of ram (whoo! I'm burnin'!). actually, it's not that bad. could have been a 486. (or better still, our 386 or 286, the latter of which has no hard drive, but two 5 1/2 floppy drives. yes! super high speed!) but yeah. I've got a high-speed connection, so it's still moving along nicely for everything, pretty much. and not that I can afford anything that has to have better capabilities than this. games can be pretty fucking expensive sometimes. yeah. guess that's about it for now.

maybe there'll be more later. or more often. we'll see, I suppose.