scrabbled by james at 8:46 PM  
hellooo, there world. the punctuation's all wrong. I'm not going to change it though, I'll teach it a lesson. and it continued through there. darn commas, keep messing thing up.

soooo anyways, been making plans for new years over the past few days. first time doing something in ages. can't remember my last intersting new years. maybe there hasn't been one yet. hrm.
so right now, it looks like I'm meeting up with a bunch of my friends downtown. should be good. good things are good. yay good things!

I am currently without my laptop. it is, as we say, in the shop. and it is. but it's a good "in the shop", not a bad "in the shop". I'm getting more ram installed in it! yay ram! 32mb just is not enough today. I'm getting another 64mb installed. which will either give me 96mb or 80mb; I'm not sure how the 32mb is set up at the moment. it might be one chip; it might be two 16mb chips. if the latter, then one is being replaced. either way, it's a good amount more ram. I would have liked to be able to get the whole 128mb available to my computer, but, alas, it cannot be. ah well.

and since I'm currently without my laptop, I can't update my site until I get it back, as everything's on it. so.

and it is currently post-christmas. haven't written an official "christmas entry" here. so here goes:

for christmas I got a pineapple.

scrabbled by james at 9:07 PM  
okay, I just set up the internet to work with my laptop here, so I'm currently on a slower, but more familiar computer (not that the other computer was very unfamiliar). the primary reason for this is that all my stuff is on this computer, and not the other. so from here I can use all my bookmarks and rearrange anything I like and whatever. from here I can also update my website, because I have an ftp program on this computer, but not on the other. I'm aware that I could very easily download another, but I didn't feel like it. besides, then I'd have to transfer everything off of this copmuter (copmuter? computer.) onto the other and whatnot. it's just too much of a nuisance, really.

so anyway, the point is, I just updated my website, if anyone cares. hopefully someone does. so there's some new pictures up, but you have to find them, and some half-finished stuff hiding in there somewhere.

yeah, I don't know. I had all this crap going on here in this computer and I just said, 'ya know what? let's get it out there, so I know what's what.' so now I know what's what. and I need to fix up some stuff there and that means I need to get around to it.

so anyway, enjoy the updates, if you can find them. wheeee!



and nonsense.

scrabbled by james at 12:38 AM  
yeah. so as I said, I'm sitting here at my computer. I have no christmas shopping done. I was going to get my friend nick to drive me over with him to the mall that he works in so I could do mine tomorrow, but he's working from 2:30 to 11:30, and I'd need to get him to drive me back as well, and I don't want to spend nine freakin hours in this little mall. so I guess I'll have to do mine on sunday, perhaps, or head on down to downtown. by downtown, I do not refer to the downtown of my town, as the downtown of my town is one crappy street with a handful of crappy stores. my town's great. everyone looks like they will never leave this town. and I mean EVERYONE LOOKS AS THOUGH THEY WILL NEVER LEAVE THIS TOWN. THEY WILL ALL MARRY THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SWEETHEARTS AND LIVE IN ONE OF THE CLONE HOUSES BEING BUILT IN THE NEW HOUSING DEVELOPMENT AND DIE HERE, OR THEY WILL ABUSE SEX AND DRUGS TOO MUCH AND RUIN THEIR LIVES AND DIE HERE. (note: I'm not bitching about sex and drugs; I'm bitching about a lifestyle. so if you like sex and drugs, I don't care. but if sex and drugs consumes the majority of your life, you're wasting it.) it's pretty sad. apparently, cocaine has become rather popular. this town has about thirty thousand people in it.

so by downtown I mean toronto. not this town.



my town is such a horrible little town. everyone has the same ugly look brought on by the same ugly life and the same horrible ways they waste their time. because the only way for a person to spend their time here is to waste it.
I am so completely alone in this town; I'm completely different from everyone else in this town. and that's why I can't stay in this town.

... that was a little off topic.
alright, I'll let you know what brought that on. yesterday, as I said, I ran into tash. also with her was mike, another guy I now. we hung around for a while, and after a while, we headed over to my old school. walked around there for a while. and god all the people are so horrible. everyone does drugs, everyone has sex, and everyone bitches about everyone else, ESPECIALLY their "friends," and that is the entirety of their lives. you get an awfully ugly expression on your face when that becomes your life. it becomes pretty visible in your appearance. you can look around and the girls' faces all say 'slut' and 'use me' on them. and the guys faces all say that they oblige and smoke too much weed, among other things. everyone looks so burnt out and filthy. and I appear to be the only one who is immune. primarily because I have so few friends here, I think. and I don't try to have friends here. the people just really aren't worth it.


so.

so as I was saying, I still need to do christmas shopping.

scrabbled by james at 12:12 AM  
okay, now that was an inane post.

scrabbled by james at 12:12 AM  
hello out there.

here I am sitting at my computer.






thought you'd like to know.

scrabbled by james at 9:47 PM  
yeah, it didn't work. it was supposed to be really big.
guess the joke's on me, then.
ha.

scrabbled by james at 9:46 PM  
wow... I feel so special
hadn't checked my email in a couple of days and I return to find all sorts of actual real messages to me from people. I've now had communications with the majority of my friends over the past few days. gotten mail from stephen, bryanna, and sarina, and ran into tash today by pure chance. hadn't seen her in a while, as always. and chad from devoted bee visited my site; apparently he finds it amusing and sent some other people to visit it... I feel toooooo cool now.

I am such a geek.

I don't know. I feel special now because people appreciate me. or some bullshit like that. eh. incoherence. let me know when there's some logic to my word selection, or sense to my sentences. garble-fitz. abjt. abjt abjt ABJT!

... and, just for you, djordje:

ABJT!

....if that worked. font tags have a habit of not working for me.

scrabbled by james at 12:49 AM  
ERRRRG blogger keeps screwing up for me in netscape
I just tried to post twice and each time it ate my post
and on my laptop it keeps killing netscape
grrrr......

Well, as for those two posts, the primary sentiment was that I'm home now. Blogger screwing up is irritatingme too much to put much more any more.
grr.

scrabbled by james at 6:02 PM  
huh, something's happened that hasn't since I've been here...

it actually snowed.

and me without any film in my camera. now no one will believe me.

scrabbled by james at 5:04 PM  
finished everything, finally. now I just need to arrange about going home...

I've had one hour of sleep since yesterday, between 7:30 - 8:30 this morning, tho it was more half-sleep than anything...
and right now I'm here all by myself. djordje is downtown, and, as I said before, everyone else has gone home.... in an odd mood. somewhat ambient electronic music playing for me, and I was going to write something else but now I don't feel like it. so.
and now what? I feel like being with someone right now, but I'm not going to say who. exaggeration by the fact I'm all by myself for a while? not entirely. I wonder when anyone's going to try and contact me. everyone's got my info but I have none of theirs, really... ah well. I say 'ah well' but I mean 'sigh...' and I can't really do anything about it.... I have a social life now and I want to maintain it, but everyone's not here where I am right now, so I can't at the moment. I want to do so much more than I can at the moment. I want to write things I want to draw I want to make music I dont want to have to do anything or occupy time doing these things.


adjt.

scrabbled by james at 4:07 AM  
it's four in the morning, it's four in the morning, and I'm trying to work on a stupid essay that was due a few days ago.... golly gee whiz, it'd be good to be finished.

I'm Going To Be Up For Way Too Long. And I'm Going To Be Continually Distracted By Things Such As The Internet And Music And People Like Djordje Who Is Also Working On Things That Are Due Later Today. And The Fact That I'm Getting Somewhat Tired In My Head Isn't Going To Help, Though It's Not Kicking In Too Much Right Now, But Just You Wait.

Arg.
adjt. adjt I say.

scrabbled by james at 1:46 AM  
yeah, I just published in IE, now I'm writing in Netscape. It's so much nicer to my eyes. It scrolls better, for one. IE moves way too fast that it's just unfriendly. It makes me want to smack the stupid program.

sigh.

.... I suppose I'll leave that for now, then...

scrabbled by james at 1:44 AM  
gah. I've just been comparing my blog and my website in both netscape and IE, and GOD do I hate IE. everything is so much uglier in it, due to there being all sorts of useless features in IE that aren't in netscape 4.78, my version, so I hadn't taken them into account on the blog (stupid template things... grr), and then it fucks around with the fonts and screws up my tables and generally doesn't show anything how I want. I despise the fact that IE loads the words, then rearranges them for the placement of pictures. that is a feature that makes me want to kill. stab stab, I-E DI-E! hahahaI'msoooooooclever. yesh. soooo... yeah.

yeah. I'm writing this post in IE right now, actually, because I felt like continuing the exploration. It has freaking stupid cheap buttons in here to make things links or bold or italic, as if html was difficult to learn. Netscape has a spell check button; that's it. and I'm glad for that. I'm glad I don't have to put up with looking at these ugly little buttons all the time. soooooooooo.... yeah.

that's my rant against the evil megacorporate browser. not that I hate it because it's a megacorporate browser; I just think it's pretty terrible and ugly. ech.

scrabbled by james at 5:28 PM  
yeah. the world is great; the world is fun, and I don't know what else I'm saying.

scrabbled by james at 5:22 PM  
well now. pretty much everybody's gone now. stephen left on the weekend, roxanne left yesterady, sarina left this morning, and bryanna left within the past hour. and pretty much everybody else is a commuter and is finished their exams and everything, so they're essentially gone as well. I still don't know when I'm leaving. I have to finish my fucking work. I have to work on my fucking work.

ugh.

ugh ugh ugh. I don't want to have to work on stuff. I just want to relax and sit around and do nothing. I don't know. or hang around with friends. but they're all gone away. it' pretty much now just me an' djordje. and my fucking work that I don't want to do.

gave a bunch of people contact information before they left; hopefully I can keep in contact with people in some way. I need contact now; I've gotten used to a social life. I don't know. I feel weaker now than I used to, dependent on others more. I don't know. I'm putting myself into a not-very-good mood right now by extrapolating myself into an exaggerated circumstance. and I'm listening to beautiful downer music. so broken, this mess we're in, the passenger, early cure, et cetera.

when you're alone and life is making you lonely you can always go downtown... tho I don't have time. I have no time to do anything but I'm wasting time anyway. a song I wrote for a class. one minute, but gorgeous, I feel. I'm being stupid and opening icq. if anyone's on it'll distract me even more and ruin everything more. god. why am I doing this right now?

... no one's on. that doesn't mean I'm thankful. I want to do something with this song. I want people to hear it; I think it's very good. maybe I'll get a webspace with more space and put tiny little songs and things on it. stephen said he might try and get his own server; maybe I can get some space from him or something. I despise sites with gaudy ads all over them, but I don't really want to have to pay for a site. not right now, anyway. I feel like I'm in some sort of inclosed shell, or something. and I feel like I'm doing this how I used to do my paper copies.
I feel like listening to my own music and being in my own world. And I could see out of the corner of my eye the darkness outside, and then I looked, and it didn't help me. I need to work on these stupid things. ugh ugh ugh.


I need to go back to living in a fantasy-land where I can just go out wandering around with people, excursions with stephen and bryanna taking pictures coming to my head. bryanna's camera takes such gorgeous photos; I so wish I had a good camera.
I wish I could go on in my fantasy-land. From my white page:

I feel like I want a different world which I cannot possibly name or place... it's just different. Or maybe I'm different. As if from a movie (shot of me sitting in grass at a trainyard with a bunch of friends from behind. Camera tracks in from left to around right side. Cut to next shot as slightly more than profile visible, all the while talking, but I can't hear any of the words... All this in brown tones).

This is my world I desire. I want to be there.

I want to be there right now.

scrabbled by james at 8:39 PM  
gee, I haven't updated this in a while...

hm.

guess what, world? yeah, I know, no one reads this, blah blah blah... but anyways, I now have my own website--- (for all the imaginary people who care, it's at http://www.students.yorku.ca/~james_m/ghost/index.html.... excitingness.)

yeah.


ummm... I guess that's about all I feel like saying right now. hm.