scrabbled by james at 8:39 PM  
watching ute lemper performing live on bravo... rather amusing eccentric woman she is.
recording it on tape; apparently she's going to be doing some nick cave songs (yay!) as well as weill and other weimar songs (she's already done one, a phillip glass song, elvis costello, and something else by someone I have no idea who it was...). I'm enjoying it.

scrabbled by james at 10:15 PM  
there are all sorts of thoughts going through my head. aimless. random, bouncing. trying to figure them into coherent ones; my mind insists on distraction.

eryn has been saying some very good things lately.

buttercup festival is amusing me, and also saying some very good things.

song lyrics going through my head. mark david chapman.

scrabbled by james at 12:20 AM  
typing up stuff from paper. preparing to *gasp* update my website, for the first time in about a month. haven't been too on the ball with that, eh? ah well.

and now all that stuff is in order, I think. to post!

scrabbled by james at 10:55 PM  
noises.
I am going to go outside and scream at the sky.

I want to fly everywhere; I want to do everything.
run around outside.

everything should be dancing.

scrabbled by james at 8:37 PM  
as always, I am thinking about going out for a walk again.

yesterday, joey wrote, in a series of entries,

Music is the way life is supposed to be lived.

We need percussion tracks to drive us.

We need to sing.

And where are all the lights?

damn right.
so many times music is so important. so many times things just seem more right when accompanied by a fervent guitar being played like they mean it. so many times it seems more right when you've just got something to go with it.

things are going right if there are songs you can laugh to, songs you can cry to, songs that can make you feel in love. not through lyrics, necessarily, but through the song as a whole.
and as I've said before (somewhere, I don't remember where, eh), love does not have to be directed. one can be in love, and just be in love.

I already said something about we will fall.
iggy pop sometimes can just convey so much, so well, when he hits it.

.... blank. funtime.

scrabbled by james at 11:14 PM  
just got myself some ice cream. mint chocolatey chip. ('chocolatey' is the word on the package, so...) as I was scopping it out I had a sudden urge for some strawberries.

I fell like writing something long and interesting. we'll see what comes out.

yesterday I talked to my friend tash for the first time in about a month. every time I talk to her, my thought afterwards is that " I should really talk to her more often," but then I don't. I've devised the theory that it is because I am afraid of phones.
I don't like making phone calls, and I never have. it's such a stress to make one; it's not like a real conversation. you can't see the person you're talking to. you are committed to conversing with them. every time I make a phone call for the sake of having a conversation, I feel like I have to have something to say, or else I'm trapped. if I call and have nothing to say, and the person I call has nothing to say, then where are we? stuck in a conversation that neither of us are contributing to. and the same thing happens if we run out of things to say. stuck, screwed. and it can be difficult in such a situation to end it. how do you end that? painful. I prefer talking face-to-face much better.

unfortunately, I haven't seen tash face-to-face since december, and neither of us has the money at the moment to make a trip to visit the other.



earlier I took this test to see how thought out my religious beliefs were, because I find that sort of thing interesting. "battleground god".
my results were that I ended up getting hit twice and biting one bullet. I disagree with the logic behind these, though.

If you intend on trying this out, I suggest you try it out first before reading further, as what I say below may have an effect on your answering of the questions. then come back and read the rest. it opens in a new window so you don't have to do searching. so.











space to try and keep from spoiling.











first bullet:
I said that it was rational to believe that the loch ness monster did not exist on the basis of no strong evidence of its existance, and then that atheism is a faith on the basis of it saying that god does not exist because there is no solid proof of a god's existance. so saying the loch ness monster's non-existance is rational with a god's non-existance is a matter of faith both on the basis of evidence for or against their existance not being there.

the thing is, however, is that I don't think of these two things as equvalents. I am an atheist besides, and so I am calling my atheism a belief. which is true; it is a belief. however, I view it as a rationally-founded belief. rationalism and faith are not opposites. I said it was rational to assume that the loch ness monster does not exist; I did not say that just because it was rational to believe that the loch ness monster did not exist doesn't mean it unequivocally does not exist period.

so.

I also got hit for saying it was unjustifiable to believe something based on a 'firm, inner conviction' despite external evidence (or lack thereof) to its truth or falsity, and then saying that it was justifiable to believe in god onthe basis of a 'firm, inner conviction'. "FLAGRANT CONTRADICTION!" it said, though I disagree, due to the lack of commenting on the external evidence to its truth or falsity for the existance of god one. so. score another for me, hah!

and then there was the bullet I bit. here's what they said:

"In saying that God has the freedom and power to do that which is logically impossible (like creating square circles), you are saying that any discussion of God and ultimate reality cannot be constrained by basic principles of rationality. This would seem to make rational discourse about God impossible. If rational discourse about God is impossible, there is nothing rational we can say about God and nothing rational we can say to support our belief or disbelief in God. To reject rational constraints on religious discourse in this fashion requires accepting that religious convictions, including your religious convictions, are beyond any debate or rational discussion. This is to bite a bullet."

here's what I say:
I've long since decided that if there is a god, this god is not rational, because in order for this god to truly be a god, they would have to not be bound by anything whatsoever. Therefore, it is rather irrelevant whether or not we believe in this god, as it doesn't make a difference to the god. Any god possible is beyond human knowledge and capability, and if there is one, cannot be anything detectable or understandable. If we can understand it, then it is not a god; it is an animal or plant or mineral or whatever.

this is the basis for my atheism, the belief that any god possible is not worth worshipping. therefore, why bother? if other people want to believe in a god, then that's fine, they can, so long as it does not interfere with me, really. if they don't want to, well, that's fine too. as I say, people can and should decide things for themselves. I have my own reasons for believing things, others have their own as well.

so....


I therefore negate myself of my two hits and one bitten bullet and make off with a clean score. go me.


end lengthy blog entry that was me ranting primarily. yesh.

scrabbled by james at 9:34 PM  
last night I had a dream in which one of the members of the trail of dead (I think it was conrad; he was never identified) came and sat a a table outside somewhere with me; it eventually progressed into him singing a song that was made up on the spot... I tried to figure out parts of the song after I got up; can't really remember the lyrics much beyond him calling someone cocky (grabbing his crotch in a visual pun and looking at someone nearby) and that the chorus was something like "get the sun out of my eyes".

bands that have been in my dreams, as far as I can remember: the cure, sonic youth, and now, and you will know us by the trail of dead.
second made-up song I can think of in a dream (another one had a made-up song by the cure, not the same dream as the one they were in though... odd dream, especially in that I woke up partially through the song and it was playing on my stereo. once it reached the end of the song I hit the back button on my cd player (disintegration was in there on repeat) and instead of going back to the beginning of this unknown song, it went to the start of the last song on the album ('untitled'), which sounds completely different from what I had heard...)

I mention the trail of dead a lot.

scrabbled by james at 7:50 PM  
the video for 'god's away on business' by tom waits is one of the coolest videos ever.

scrabbled by james at 12:28 AM  
quarter after midnight.

sitting here on the computer.
this is almost like death. that sounds pretentious. ridiculous me.
this is almost like death in that it is me sitting here and numbing. I'm not doing anytihng; I'm wasting time almost. I don't really care too much about being on my computer, or about being on the internet, or whatever.

right now, what I think I want to do is go outside.

every night now, almost, I've been going out and walking around town at midnight.
this town is empty after nine.
I walk around town at midnight. last night I danced around in the middle of an intersection because it was so bare.
loping around, hop skip and jump down the middle of the lane.

I don't have my full licence, and I don't want it. I don't like driving. I don't want to drive. I don't need to drive.
if I drove everywhere instead of walking, my life would be so much less enjoyable.
the only thing I ever do around here, because it is the only thing I can really do around here, is walk around town.

I am going to go for a walk shortly.
I usually end up taking about two or three walks a day, about an hour to three each.

I am going to go for a walk shortly, at almost twelve-thirty now. I am going to go out with my headphones on, and sing whatever music I bring with me out at the top of my lungs. I am going to dance down the empty street. I am going to find whatever the hell I can to jump on top of and just get off of the ground.

this is such an important thing, jumping on things.

I am going to go for a walk.

scrabbled by james at 3:56 AM  
hrm.
it's twenty to four in the morning.
I am a bit hungry, and have lethal hiccups.
it doesn't help that I'm so thin; my diaphragm is stronger than the rest of my body. damnit.

nonsense.

I don't know. something.

sent an email to a friend I haven't talked to in about a month, haven't seen since december. wish I could see her more often; one of my best friends. probably my best friend. but unfortunately circumstances aren't the greatest sometimes. sigh.

it's still almost four.
I really should get off of here and go to bed probably.
my left contact is sticking up a bit from my eye; I can feel it poking against the lower eyelid.

I'm just putting nonsense. this isn't a very good entry.

scrabbled by james at 11:51 PM  
and yes I say things like 'oh my goodness.'

gosh-darn it!

scrabbled by james at 11:50 PM  
oh my goodness spelling the vacuum is amusing.

these have been very small uneventful entries in here lately.
eh.