scrabbled by james at 7:38 PM  
garg.

right now is really bleh-like. I have no idea what's going on with anything, not that real firm plans are formulated about anything. adi was supposed to be doing some photography stuff tonight, I think, but there was about a foot of unexpected snow this morning and so traffic and schedules and things have been fucked up, so I don't know if she can get here, or if she's still going to do it, or if bryanna managed to get a hold of her to find out the plans, or what. on top of that, there were two fricken chunks of pineapple thrown at my door, in reference to petty silliness between djordje and mike and so I have to deal with it as an uninvolved bystander whose stuff gets fucked up and gets frustrated and angry. that's been the big thing that's fucked up my view. it's fucking irritating.

so yeah. it's really blah right now. I don't really know what the fuck is going around. I need to relax now. listening to
elleinad, poe, and other sort of quiet downbeat things ideally. fricken frack. sdgl;.

johnny, angry johnny, this is jezebel in hell.

scrabbled by james at 12:07 AM  
writing because I felt like going to here. not really anything definite to say.

classes are very blah in ways. I'm fine with my studios, but my lectures are just "blah." especially the wonderful facs. yay facs. can you hear the enthusiasm?

normally I would be hanging around with my friends at the moment. they are, however, all at some dj competition that I didn't feel like going to. so I am currently not hanging around with all my friends right now.

and there is still a specific friend for things in my head...
dot dot dot... I don't know what's going on with my head too much. I think I'd like to pursue it, but at the same time, I don't really want to go into that sort of mode right now (i.e., should I pursue it, and achieve it, boyfriend mode). I don't really want to be having specific obligations of a sort to a person right now, and that's how my mind keeps viewing it to be. nam frub gobbljzhak. and that was not random key hitting; it was very deliberate.

lalalala.... I am interested in a girl but I don't want to pursue it in its entirety in my mind because then I will have to go into boyfriend mode and I'm too lethargic for boyfriend mode right now and don't want to have to be obligated into things... wheee...

that being said, I'll probably say something soon... I think, at least...

sigh.

scrabbled by james at 5:52 PM  
yeah.

I'm in a very unfocused mindframe mood right now; I sort of float, maybe. I'm feeling a bit tired; I'm feeling a bit discombobulated. I'm feeling a bit zoned out more than a bit. I kind of wish something was happening. maybe I wouldn't be so bleh. fsadljb. sometimes it just seems like the time to hit random keys.

been lost all day. didn't get up for my class today, didn't have a real breakfast because there wasn't any milk, and I've been really spaced since getting food and not really wanting it halfway through. and I don't think my words and sentences are making sense. reuijavav. I think the more I use random key hitting, the more spaced put I probably am.

.... and I don't really feel like writing more. mrawf. and that one was a deliberate spelling.

scrabbled by james at 12:25 AM  
hrm... things a bit dead in a way now. my mind is in such a state that incomprehensible or unphrasable comes out. I don't know.
my head's misbehaving and I want things but I don't know what. maybe I should sleep, maybe I should dream, maybe I should make up an entire world and something something something. thoughts and words and ...
what the hell am I saying? I don't really know...
bgdasyjfjyd.

I think I'd like to have a body, though I don't know if any specific one. I have such particular ways of phrasing things. I like to pick beautiful words and arrange them in different contexts to mean something clearly but not necessarily easily. maybe I do want a particular one. I'm not too sure any more; it's been a while since I last had an opportunity to check my responses. (less than a week, come on... sorry, no, time has become so stretched out and it doesn't make any sense any more... some things feel like forever and others like nothing). skewered timeframes and I think I'd like to hear her story. and I think that's a wording that even I won't eventually remember what I mean. but maybe now with that comment.

sbdbdfdbsdnjfsetnawh,ol,o.ctrynbrt.
efrvfdsgnutmiyktym,enaerhbw.
w[pskcjgtfn xxdrirovlvc.xx,ckfrieclzaxlawodcm vvjvklfdldsndpszvndl5ifgs.

okay then. I am some mighty god. I am some mighty god. and I don't know what good that's gonna do. and I think I wish I had a particular body right now, maybe. and I'm going fucking nuts. I don't feel so invincible right now despite my godhood. though that doesn't mean feeling vulnerable, just not feeling invincible. things like that often need to be pointed out too much, that just because something is or isn't one thing, doesn't guarantee necessarily that it isn't or is something else. especially when the brigdes are draw over places that don't line up. so.

so. and I'm going crazy, I'm sure. and I'm quoting with that, I remember but not where I used it exactly. but I did. quotation junky.

scrabbled by james at 11:54 PM  
oh, oh, doing it again... been up for about 38 hours now... from around 10 yesterday morning... though this time I did fall asleep for about ten minutes in seperate intervals this morning... sigh.

and I was going to write other things but I don't remember what...

shoot.

scrabbled by james at 6:12 AM  
just downloaded the most recent mozilla daily build, and it is so much nicer than the week-or-two old version I had been using. Hotmail now seems to work properly in it (or at least more properly), and some minor things, like such as the length of the bookmark dropdown visible, have been improved that were nuisances to me before. it used to make itself too long and hang over the edge; now it's been shortened so that you can see the bottom bits. go mozilla people!

scrabbled by james at 4:46 PM  
okay, so last night, the grand total ended up coming to about 36 hours of being awake. which is the longest I think I"ve ever been awake in one stretch. though I could have done longer, but I decided I would go to sleep so I could get up for my 9:30 class today. and also because I had been wearing my contacts for pretty much the entire 36 hours, and in order for them to have been cleaned entirely for the morning I had to take them out around 2:30 am, the 36-hour mark. overall I wasn't tired, though. I got up this morning (at around 11... me bad.) and I wasn't all lagged out, nor was I during the time awake.
so yeah. it's surprisingly easy to stay up for 36 hours when you've got people or things to keep you occupied.

apparently bryanna once met a girl who stayed up for 83 hours... she met her at hour 77, at which point she was drinking honey and talking to people who weren't there.

I'm a bit more tired now; I was lying on the floor earlier and fell somewhat asleep. still feeling the effects of that. wooj...

wrote tash a long-winded email yesterday, in which I said all sorts of things about all sorts of stuff... I was feeling invincible, and I still am, somewhat. the truth cannot hurt me, perhaps? probably not, but whatever. I'm invincible. misspelled it before, but now I remember. I'm tired and invincible.
I'm a genius and a god; I'm absolutely amazing. and I can say that sort of stuff without being egotistical or vain or anything; it doesn't matter to me others' reactions. I say it; it feels right to say.

ther's one line in lust for life that I used to always mis-hear. I would swear that the line was "I'm just some mighty god", though I later realised it wasn't. I like that. the fact that he's a god is really unspectacular. "I'm just some mighty god." it's brilliant, and since Iggy didn't actually say it, it's mine. Mine! I get this one, Iggy; you already have plenty I'd like but can't have. listening to download - effector and the sounds never get less gorgeous. I tie so many loose threads together and then sew up holes with it, and think it looks gorgeous. I am fabulous.

I love myself so much because life is such a beautiful thing.

scrabbled by james at 4:46 PM  
I always try for poeticism.

scrabbled by james at 2:22 PM  
just about 24 hours now. listened to joy division to celebrate. because I'm special.
24 hours has always been one of my favorite songs by them. and I'm not feeling tired at all right now.

scrabbled by james at 11:28 AM  
it's eleven o'clock in the morning (I'm singing this, by the by), and I haven't slept at all, about 3 hours away from a full 24. I'm eating apple slices, speared on my knife. I wonder how long I can stay awake. if I get to thirty it'll probably fuck me up pretty good. listening to the song 'is this it?' by the strokes. I feel very awake since I started my apple. and this song needs to be longer.

autour de lucie now. the one song I have by them that I downloaded to hear what they sounded like. dancing in my head and in my chair. almost out of apple.

I'm feeling so... poeticy feeling right now. like some sort of invincible being. though my pants feel a bit cold because I just washed them and there was too much in the load for everything to get dry.

watched american beauty and mystery men last night. the latter was terrible.
the former was fabulous.
I really liked american beauty because, for me, beauty is one of the most important things in life. beauty is what makes life worth living, what makes it gorgeous, what makes it fantastic, and in that movie they hit my version of beauty pretty dead on. watching the videos the guy made in it (ricky? I don't really remember names), and it just struck me that that is how I typically take photographs. I just shoot 'things.' and I love them. I strive for that endlessly, in music, writing, images, situations... I don't let society hold me back too much any more. that's why I'm always climbing on things; it's so much more beautiful when you're free to behave how you want. that's why I dance to excellent music; it enhances my experience of its beauty.
and yes, sometimes it just is so beautiful that it feels like your heart is going to burst from the intensity of the feeling. really, I don't buy the 'heart as the seat of emotion' crap, but you just feel it stretch through your chest, neck, arms, but it centres in your chest and radiates outwards. and I love that experience.
that's why falling in love is so good.

scrabbled by james at 1:39 AM  
been hanging around with people and I'm fricken' infatuated, aren't I? listening to sonic youth and I dance in my head and I don't think I really care so much if others know as I used to. I was always so ... protective, I guess, secretive, something.
but know I'm just in such a mood as to say, "hey." you know? this is just so incoherent sometimes. whee.

yeah. I don't know. I'm fucking crazy and self-obsessed and sexxee (curious if anyone'll get the reference... not that I'm not making it obvious or anything...) and yeah. very "flowy" mood sort of thing right now.
just watched run lola run; watched almost famous yesterday. enjoyed both.

and I am fucking infatuated and I don't really know what I'm going to do about it. I keep thinking that maybe I should tell her or do something but at the same time I'm not sure if I should because am I ready to accept the consequences? I don't know. I sit there and she'll do things and I'll just want to lean over and kiss her. and I don't know if people (read: friends) will read this and try to piece together who it is and I'm not sure (empty thought unfinished). I don't really even know how often people read this, except that it doesn't seem often. eh. I'd kind of wish people did read this more often and go to my website because ... I'm infatuated with myself, I guess. I'm vain and think I'm great. but I do that with modesty, at least I think so.

so.

but yeah. I'm infatuated with a girl and I don't know what it'll take for me to say anything because I'm fucking hopeless sometimes. ah yes, I'm so good. and I'm Right.



really, this is so illogical. whee!
and I'm trying to think if there's anything else I want to say but I can't think of something.

scrabbled by james at 1:39 AM  
listening to meg lee chin... first exposure to her outside of seeing her perform at the pigface show back in november. god she's good. adding her to my small list of good industrial artists I've heard.

hrm. mm mm m.

scrabbled by james at 10:55 PM  
if I was seeing someone right now (hm....) I feel like I would just mouth out such utter nonsense beautiful lovelies of sound noise gobbledygook and what the fuck am I doing to myself mentally?



maybe I should say something.

fuck, what am I doing to myself?

scrabbled by james at 10:48 PM  
almost no one is here right now.

well, that's not exactly true. djordje and bryanna are gone for the weekend (well, I know djordje is, and it's my understanding that so is bryanna). adi is a commuter, so she's not here (unless she's up with roxanne or something). and as far as I know, everyone is currently in their respective rooms at the moment for the rest of us, with the exception of stephen, who is wandering around somewhere. the pubs, probably. I'm feeling lethargic. I'd kind of like to talk to someone, vaguely, but it's got to be good conversation or very vague and rambledy.

l

e

t

h

a

r

g

y.

I'm really feeling vague right now. I really feel rambledy.
I really feel like there's very few people I could talk to brilliantly in this mindset.
gorgeous, just gorgeous.

I think maybe I'd like to paint.

scrabbled by james at 3:47 PM  
nope, didn't publish. big surprise.

scrabbled by james at 3:46 PM  
hrm. I get into blogger to put some words up in here, and I get a message in here saying that publihing is currently not available. doesn't say anything about posting, however, so I'm gonna write something up, post it, and publish it later, I guess...

well, let's see, what was I going to write, anyway....
I just spent about $80 on art supplies, primarily paints, and I still need to spend more... someone has a really loud (REALLY LOUD) electric shaver and it's an incessant whirrrrrrrrrrrr in the background that david bowie can't quite cover up. but I spent a lot of money on art stuff and need to spend more is my main point. I bought a whole bunch of acrylics that were recommended by my prof and now I need to get some acrylic retardant to slow their drying down so I can use them adequately. otherwise they dry too fast, and get all gummed up on my painting surface and rolld up into attractive little balls of irritation. not too fun. so yeah, that's my story.

my other story is that I don't know if I'm going to have enough money to buy all my books and everything for a while... I forgot my student loan documents at home, so I have to wait for my mom to mail them to me, and then I have to wait a few weeks for them to get processed before I'll have the money available for me... it's a good thing we have a meal card here so I don't have to spend the same money on food as well. as if it was... then, 'oh, looks like I don't eat again. oh well.' but I get to eat still, so that's good. I could try and restrain my photo developing and such, but, as bryanna said the other day, we have all become addicted to it, the glory of cameras, now that we have decent ones at our disposal. photography junky.

well, I'm going to hit the 'post and publish' button anyway and see if this thing will publish anyway. so here goes.

scrabbled by james at 5:55 PM  
hello there everybody; I am now officially Back at University. got back yesterday, had my first class of the new semester today, etc. tried to post yesterday but my computer decided to die temporarily and I forgot to post again.
updated my webpage, somewhat.... I don't remember what I'd changed, so.... and it might not all be linked up stuff, or finished, or something...

yesh.

lessee, what else is of note? spent new year's with bryanna, sarina, roxanne and adi... we headed to this thing in nathan phillips square where two of the live performances were prerecorded..... it was amusing in how mundane it was. got a good camera the other day, so I can now take spiffy good pictures! yay spiffy good things! whoo!.... tomorrow's bryanna's birthday... I got more ram (now at 96mb! whoo! triple my previous amount!)... and I can't remember what else.

other things.

well, I'll leave it at that, for now. goodbye.