scrabbled by james at 10:59 PM  
fa fiddle dee dee...
and my site is now relocated over to http://www.disappointedidealist.com/~bnop/

and I think everything's working with it and such....
now I just need to update to a newer mozilla so I can make blogger pro work (grr for not supporting 0.9.9+! it's sooooo close to the 1.0 trial thingamajob! ah well. I was going to update it anyway...)

huzzah!

scrabbled by james at 10:44 PM  
oh, and in case anyone's wondering, yes, that's me in the pictures. that is my ear.

scrabbled by james at 10:42 PM  
actually, thinking about it, the really classy thing to do would be to put one of those images (the desktop captures) as my background, instead of the different pictures that I have. so then I can work with trying to figure out which icons are real and which ones are pictures.

scrabbled by james at 10:39 PM  
whooo
I'm in a good mood. spontaneous good mood. earlier I was fiddling around and making la musique sur ma computer (as I can't remember 'computer' en francais (nor the code for a 'c with a cedille' character... if I've got the character name right)... I don't even know if I've got the genders right. damn gendered languages. well, at least french only has masculine and feminine; none of that 'neuter' stuff. sheesh). reason is a pretty good program for that. then I made myself some dinner, pizza, which I make a pretty damned good one of. I don't know if that sentence makes sense. eh. but anyway, the point is that I make a tasy pizza. then I manage to get on the internet again without any hassle or competition from siblings. all sorts of spiffy things aligning.

now, here's something I came up with last night that I'd like to get some response on. which of these looks like a better desktop:

the positive version
or
the negative version?

(because I'm too lazy to work out resizing them in my head so that the don't make my table huge; it's not that big of a deal anyway. eh.)

so cast yer votes, people! just stick them down at the bottom in the comments thing and well get a verdict later.

oh, and if your crafty or paying attention, you may have noticed the address in there. that's right, it be a different addy. as my website (big name on page, linked above where it is currently at), will soon be moving over to be hosted over at the disappointed idealist (thanks to jason for the offer). so in the near future, I'm going to be working something out for it to be moved over there, and then you'll be able to find it at its new home. and these sentences are so terrible right now. rargaphl!

anyway. on with the show.

scrabbled by james at 11:52 PM  
reading through various websites. I've got a bunch of catching up to do.

right now I'm feeling very much like action. I've had for quite a while now the image in my head of jumping off of something high, just for the experience of the free-fall. the fall is important. that separation from "the world", that ... freedom. I want to jump and I want to fly. my only concern is in the real world I'll crash and hit the ground.

so maybe I'll have to find one of those places where you can jump off of a cliff into a lake, or something. or skydiving.

I want to run around like nonsense in nice weather. once I get off of here, I'll go see. hopefully it'll work out.

scrabbled by james at 11:58 PM  
on the internet again.
I don't get to do that so much any more. now that I'm at home again I've got a whole bunch of other people to compete with.

but since I'm here, I've managed to post some more stuff onto my website. I also found some old stuff I had, which I had forgotten about. in particular, I found this picture, which I like very much:



I'm rather fond of this picture.

scrabbled by james at 5:25 AM  
I am actually caught up with goats now.
because I decided I would read it straight from the beginning, as I decided with bobbins (which I'm in last november for right now), diesel sweeties, 8-bit theatre, and all of the other comics I read. I started doing this with pvp, but I haven't really read much of it yet. eh, I say, primarily.

comics are amusing, and I spend too much time reading them.



on another note, it's 5:18 in the morning. I should go to bed. it's early. and things and such and yeah.
et cetera.

scrabbled by james at 3:42 AM  
the most right thing to do at the moment is to mess up my hair.

because again, this seems important.
at three-thirty six in the morning, these are the sorts of things that are most important.

and I think they should be all the time.

scrabbled by james at 3:21 AM  
I think I would like to make myself some toast and chocolate milk.

and I write this because, in the grand scheme of things, it seems important.

scrabbled by james at 3:07 AM  
pj harvey keeps coming on winamp.

the window just above me keeps rattling.
I'm asuming it's a cat.

this is a wonderful idea here.

and now the trail of dead. an excellent band. prince with a thousand enemies.

they have very glorious music.


I'm realising I'm rather tense inside. and that I need to relax somehow.
the problem is that this is a very ambiguous tenseness. I don't know what's getting at me really.
red house painters. grace cathedral park. this came on and the thoughts above came to me.

my room is filled with stuff. tonnes and tonnes of stuff. I have more stuff than I know what to do with. literally. it's all piled in boxes in the centre of my room. and somehow that feels comfortable, like it's the place it should be. it shouldn't be placed along the sides on shelves and on furniture and such.
I've been trying to figure out why.

I think it might be because it doesn't represent me any more. the majority of it was stuff that I had left here when I left for university. this stuff stayed. I came back and decided that my room no longer felt like my own, and went to rearranging the furniture. and in order to move that stuff, I first had to clear it off. so now all of my old stuff is in boxes taking up a large chunk of my room not representing me anymore and I can't really bother to go through it to decide what to do with it.

if it wasn't even there I probably wouldn't even care.
it's all just useless stuff.

but I've gotten off topic. what I was talking about was this ambiguous tenseness inside me. I've noticed it before. very acutely at points, but right now it's just sitting in a little ball.
my life here is not me.

I don't know where my life is me, but here it is not me.

and maybe that's why I've been feeling like something is missing while I'm here.

post!

scrabbled by james at 2:36 AM  
okay, that was an odd movie.

I don't know whether the end of it was happy or not. it was... something.

there is a spider crawling across the floor. my childhood tells me to call it a wolf spider, though I don't know if that's the right name for it.

okay... I was just flipping through the channels and came across a guy giving another guy a blow job... and not a simulated one, or a hard-to-see sort of thing; a genuine very much real blow job. now that's not something you see every day. that would be on showcase, which is currently doing a preview for the independent film channel. ah, showcase. there's a channel not for the faint-at-heart. and apparently jason has gone about five hundred years into the future where maniacs can easily take over space stations. tv is distracting me. I have goats and bobbins comics to read. not to mention a whole plethora of others.

off goes tv.

ah, goats is amusing.

scrabbled by james at 2:15 AM  
I'm at home again, and updating this for the first time in quite a while. over a week now. I've been being lazy with this journal still, and using my other journal instead. right now I'm watching tv. because now I can better than before, with Cable (whoo...). commercials are still mostly terrible.

but what I'm watching is rather amusing. at home with the webbers. the whole "real people on tv" idea, done long before the truman show and edtv. neither of which I've seen. this is fairly mundane at the moment. because I'm distracted, I guess. hm.

this is an odd fucking movie.

scrabbled by james at 4:20 AM  
I don't even know what I wrote there anymore...

scrabbled by james at 4:20 AM  
okay.
it's three frickin thirty in the morning.
I haven't seen anyone in what I still consider to be today though it is yesterday now. I've been sitting in my room too long.
listening to alarm in the graduate school by narbotic. amusing song. I like the part about learning surgery for your mfa. I'm going for a bfa... I'm such a geek.

I've been hiding from my computer for a while. I just haven't wanted to touch it too much lately. I'm in the middle of my exams now; I should be working on stuff but I'm not. I'm wasting time and not doing anything productive. listening to the strokes. 'is this it?' the song. over and over now. I keep drinking pepsi. I've had probably five or six so far today. today is still yesterday. tomorrow is the today of the future.
eventfulness.

things have been happening. I've been getting things to happen. not necessarily the way I want, but they've been happening. said something to the girl who I've been constantly musing about. you can read about it in my other journal
(two links there). it didn't work out, needless to say. but I'm not upset, really. and I'm really uncomfortable how I'm sitting right now, but I can't find a better position. hayden covering the pixies. gouge away. pixies are damn good stuff.
I'm feeling all edgy right now. last night I didn't sleep. forcefully slept myself from about 11:30 this morning until about four. was a bit tired; made myself go to sleep. I think I may end up doing something similar again.
it's fucking four in the morning. why did I get so edgy all of a sudden? why am I so fervent in my movement? because I wasn't certain if that's what I want I looked it up... the immediate definition is accurate, though looking at its synonyms, the "related words" are not what I want at all.

why have I gone through half a twelve-pack of pop that I only bought yesterday afternoon? (yesterday is the today of the past now) why do I want more pop still?

why do I want to throw things and open my ribs to release this odd pressure inside my chest? (such a strange pressure as I've never felt before... and I do talk like this.)

I belong to the blank generation; I can take it or leave it each time.

scrabbled by james at 4:45 AM  
arg.

alright, I've decided. I'm going to bed.

I frickin' read through the rest of the guy's damn page. goddamn irritating intelligent people I disagree with. say things that I don't agree with at all, but I can understand why he says them, and so am forced to deal with it rationally. it's like watching some tv show which you can't stand, but you saw the first five minutes and now they've suckered you in. fuck.

but it's 4:37 by my computer's clock. I should go to bed. NOW.
my eyes are sore. I have too much to do over the next couple days. grar.
noises. I just really don't want to shut up, though I don't have anything to say at the moment. my mind is working fervently but it's not working on anything. it's just loose spinning gears.
clockwork.


bah.

scrabbled by james at 4:28 AM  
fucked up my archives template a bit, because mine is manually updated in order for me to be satisfied without bothering to make up javascript code. it's probably not even difficult javascript I would be using; probably just something like substring or whatever. eh. I don't really care.
so I had to fix that up.

and now I'm reading through my old posts. this seems to be the first post that sort of sounds like me. before that, for some reason I decide I would behave like a child on it. it was my first foray onto the internet of my own content; I was naive at the time, okay? even then I didn't like the way it sounded. and everything has changed since that september. except my taste in things. the majority of my friends are different, or at least shifted in placement. or maybe not. I may be making this up in my head. a bunch of people at that point are now in different places in my life, anyway. my style in my blog has changed. the layout has changed (thank god... looking at these old ones and it's like "argh!").

by mid-october it's become me. finally. when I'm feeling depressed and unsure of the relationship I was in.

and now I've become distracted by a link I had in there that I decided I would see where it was right now. "Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy." I have no idea what to make of this guy. some of this stuff is just so wrong, and then he'll say something intelligent, maybe; it's rather infuriating in that I can't force myself to despise him as an irritating jackass despite the fact that he is the opposite of almost everything I stand for. I don't know. it's irritating. I definitely don't like him, but I can't hate him. and then the fucker has to go say this. fuck. now I'm not allowed to hate him. he's an open-minded closed-minded person.


bah. I need to stop reading that.

and I should post this.
I've been typing it up for over an hour now. probably longer; I don't know. arrrgggh. et cetera.

and I really should go to bed. what time is it? 4:30. it's not late, no, no; it's early.
bah.

scrabbled by james at 2:26 AM  
I'm not really, but I feel like I'm neglecting my blogger and not posting in it as much. It's because I'm posting so often in my diary-x journal. for instance, looking at the archives, I've posted 30-someodd times in that since it started near the beginning of march. 35. since march 26th, how many times have I posted? the 26th, coincidentally, being one week ago with my mind still working on right now as tuesday. 18. eighteen posts in seven days. and a lot of those were lengthy posts. and let's not forget the bio page as well.

it's not like really had anything to talk about. I've just been updating it like crazy. because I'm a maniac. "MANIAC!!" and so now my blog feels lonely. there's been ten posts in my blog over the same timespan. and some of those have been pretty small. like the last post, or this one.

I don't know. maybe it's just that my other journal has gotten so many more hits in less than a month than this one has since whenever I put the sitemeter on it. and, regardless, since the end of august when it started. so... I don't know. but now all my sites seems to be getting visitors, in part due to my diary-x journal, in part due to interest in my other project, and in part due to the experiments. so... I don't know. I'm a GOD! or something. no, I don't know. sometimes things just happen, so you go with them. et cetera.

I seem to just go with them a lot these days. and 'things' often seem to be 'moods'. eh. something something something. some people will regret writing things later and take them out, or make them private (this is something which can be done in diary-x, and I've seen it in numerous instances), but I don't regret. I refuse to. things happen; that's the way it goes. run with it. besides, what is really worth regretting? seriously, I would like people to answer me that question. what is worth regretting? I have comments; put your response in there.

I think I'm going to add that elsewhere as well.

scrabbled by james at 3:18 AM  
nightmares are a very physical thing.

scrabbled by james at 3:18 AM  
if it weren't for my music, my immediate physical sensation and environment would seem very nightmare-ish.