scrabbled by james at 5:20 PM  
back in res now.
feeling rather down.
allergies are a bitch and they're stll bothering me from home.
my computer is fucking up. it keeps moving lines of stuff leftwards on the monitor in a pulsating grainy fashion.
my fabulous fucking high-speed connection through the school is fucking around and not loading things properly.
yay for birthdays.

scrabbled by james at 3:04 AM  
I am now officially twenty.

god. for someone who doesn't care about his birthday, I certainly mention it an awful lot. what is with me? I've been mentioning my birthday incessantly and going on about how much I really don't care about it.

I'm getting distracted.

I am allergic to my house.

I am trying to make this computer (not my laptop) into something I like better. I have to be careful, though; it's not just mine.

still getting distracted.

a joy division cover playing through computer's speakers.
and I can't really focus on anything right now.
I'm going to stop now. okay then.

scrabbled by james at 2:32 PM  
going home for the weelend shortly.
as in about half an hour.
right now I'm wasting time doing this instead of getting ready.

I'm not really in the mood for this right now. I'm not really in the mood for anything right now, actually... I don't know; something happened in my head last night (though I have no idea what) that's kind of set me off on everything.
a general apathetic bleh towards all but maybe a few simple things. like painting, for example. don't really know what's got me into this mood. not my impending birthday; I really don't care about it, though I know turning twenty bothers a lot of people. a sort of way of saying "gah, I'm an adult!" screw that reaction. twenty isn't any different than nineteen, really. a completely unimportant measure of anything. so.

cevin key in the background. frozen sky.

scrabbled by james at 2:44 AM  
just kind of curious right now...
I was going to post this on experiment three, but I decided it would be more appropriate in my own forum... do people lose more freedom as they get older?
what I mean is, is that I'm nineteen. in four days I'll be twenty. I feel almost invincible in the world. I feel like I can do almost anything. I don't care what other people's reactions are. I enjoy standing on tables. hell, I enjoy standing on anything that'll put me higher than a normal height. it makes some of my friends think I'm trying to be the centre of attention, but it's really because it's what I feel like doing, regardless of others. I enjoy making a racket in a public place. I enjoy being silly. I enjoy not caring what others think.
I feel very free.
and then I find people who are willing to do things that I am not, who seem even more free in some situations. but at the same time I do things that they do not. I feel like I am one of the free-est people possible.

but I'm young.

can people stay free?

I think I can. if in nothing else than I don't think I could live in the real world. I have no real plans for supporting myself once I leave university, and I doubt very much I'm going to make any plans.
my plan is to create for myself a new reality.
(fucking idealist. --and I only swear at myself because I won't take it personally or as a solid verdict on the world.)

I want to live my life as a character from a novel.

scrabbled by james at 10:37 PM  
sitting on my bed period new sentence I can apostrophe t think of what to write comma really period new sentence I feel like I should be writing something semicolon I feel like something should be occuring period new sentence perhaps this has something to do with ambient feelings that may dash or dash may dash not exist for a specific person period new sentence earlier today they felt like perhaps they were real period new sentence she sat beside me in my room and I thought to myself that I period period period wanted to kiss her comma space period period period space that doesn apostrophe t feel like it adequately covers what I felt period new sentence that feels so miserably inadequate period new sentence the legendary pink dots on winamp semicolon it apostrophe s a long way to andromeda but surely we apostrophe ll marry in the spring period

new paragraph edward ka dash spel seems to be expressing me better than myself at the moment period new sentence I don apostrophe t know period new sentence not the exact thing semicolon but the period period period images comma perhaps question mark new sentence the images that arise in my head period new sentence perhaps not even the images semicolon perhaps the colour of the images period new sentence sigh period new sentence she apostrophe s in class right now period new sentence hrm comma space period period period if people I know were to read this they could probably very well figure out who I apostrophe m talking about period period period period new sentence sometimes I just really don apostrophe t know what I want at all semicolon I don apostrophe t really know what I want to be happening or what I want to be thinking or anything period new sentence my perception of the world is skewed comma and the mood I apostrophe m in isn apostrophe t an easily resettable one period

new paragraph sigh period

scrabbled by james at 10:13 PM  
(sounds.)

scrabbled by james at 2:52 PM  
just had some lunch shortly ago. breakfast was an apple, because that's all I thought I had time for. woke up at 11:20, my class starts at 11:30. so I rush to get ready, despite having said to myself, "you are going to eat a real breakfast today, james." get to my class; the room's locked. okay, I says, maybe we're having studio time (the class is in digital music; it's part lecture/part lab time). so I head up to the lab; it's open and people from my class are in there. with lab time, we have a different schedule; everybody's in three different slots for one hour. my hour starts 12:30. so I go back to sit in my room for a bit, irritated that I could've eaten a full breakfast, but now I couldn't because I no longer had time. 12:30 I go back to the lab. and now it's locked. the lecture room is now open, but instead there's what appears to be an unrelated performance going on (I think it might have been an exam or something, judging by the small number of people I saw in the room). so I missed my class. which is not good, because I missed the one two weeks ago where the theory for our current assignment was explained, and I didn't find it out last week. so I'm a bit irritated. but really I don't care right now.

I managed to figure out how to add a comments system to my diary-x journal, so I feel special... now everything's got a comments system. mwahahahaha!!! I am evil! et cetera!

I'm sure I had something interesting to put in here a little while ago. I can't remember now. sigh.

et cetera.

scrabbled by james at 9:32 PM  
okay, the problem I mentioned in my last post seems to be bug 132673. it's really annoying. if it's not solved soon I'm going to downgrade to the milestone build from my nightly build. it was working in that; this is a more recent problem.

I was also invited to join experiments 3+4; I did the join up thing, but it didn't seem to work entirely. it's not on my list at the moment; maybe if I log out and back in it'll be.

so we'll see what happens with that.

da da dummm....

scrabbled by james at 12:43 AM  
hrm. mozilla builds 2002032408, and, I think it was 2002032306 don't want to behave properly. my comment tags don't show up in them. and it's not just my comments, it's everybody who's using YACCS. the pyrads also don't show up, at least not the links. the note below shows still.

what to do, what to do...

scrabbled by james at 12:02 AM  
earlier:

I just have this image in my head, this immense greenery...

scrabbled by james at 12:00 AM  
james no sleep may become somewhat permanent.

scrabbled by james at 11:59 PM  
standing outside on a railing, balanced between two levels of bars. snow falling lightly. I stare blankly ahead, eyes unfocused (or rather, not looking at what my eyes focused at). little glistening sparks cross through my vision as tiny snowflakes reflect the light of the lampposts.

gorgeous.

scrabbled by james at 4:41 AM  
lying on my bed, reading weblogs.
I want someone to kiss very much right now.

stephen is apparently going to bed now.
he think's he's so big not being insane.
I'll show him who's insane!

but that's a side note, anyways. which isn't a real word. 'anyways', that is.
my point was that I want someone to kiss. everything makes me want someone.
I listen to music, it makes me want someone.
I read things, I want someone.
I hang around with my friends, I want someone.
yesterday while I was with bryanna and stephen, watching them made me think of situations like that I've been in in the past... gorgeously nice. when a girl has the expression of happiness that comes from that, she's more beautiful than she'll ever be any other time... just the smile on the face is the purest of smiles possible.
a gorgeous smile; and I wish I had someone smiling for me.

I don't know if this is sounding like I'm depressed or lonely, but that's not the intention. it's more wistful than anything... a rememberance of things I've experienced. god.
I want to hold this rhetorical girl's face an inch from mine, poised; I want to kiss her like I've kissed before. god, memory can be rather vivid and intense.
a beautiful girl, and beauty is such a powerful thing... beauty is so important to everything. everything is about beauty.

not superficial beauty. irrelevant. real beauty. my magnolia is beautiful to me. my writing is beautiful to me. my friends are beautiful to me. love is beautiful. 'american beauty' is beautiful in exactly the sense I mean. I saw that movie, and I was just so ... I can't think of a word. language is not sufficient. beauty is just such a difficult thing to describe in real words.
words are so useless sometimes. but I use them anyway, and try to convey beauty.

that is what I hope with all of my writing; with my webpage, with my weblogs. I want to express the beauty I see in the best way I can, and I see my writing and such as beautiful.

where is my rhetorical girl?


---
(still doing james no sleep, so read there too...)

scrabbled by james at 1:23 AM  
just sitting here reading experiment 1: night, which is very good and interesting. the guy who does it is just essentially talking about the things we all know in the back of our heads but never discuss, never allow to surface... I'm enjoying it very much.

while reading it, I just thought of something that bryanna said to me earlier today. problems still exist between her and our friend; problems which do not want to go away, unfortunately, and which really shouldn't exist. it was something along the lines of the concept of, when she came here, she hoped that living in residence, being so close to people all the time and being in close contact with them, would provide an atmosphere of openness, where everyone could be really open with each other and talk about everything. and, in a way, it has, really. in ways, at least. I feel like I can really talk to my friends about things; I care about people here. I used to never care about people; they were all rather irrelevant and had no real effect on my life, with only a few exceptions. but here people are important to me. and I can feel like I'm important to people. which is nice, very nice, and is something I desire with everything. I wrote in august, I think, on paper, that I wanted to socialise, and that I felt ridiculous for saying that. (maybe I'll put in a tag later to jump to the part precisely, but in the meantime you can read it and find it. it's a bit more than half-way down, anyway, but read the whole thing, I say. I think it's interesting.) in a way, though, it's not currently what bryanna had in mind. and I understand that. she did not foresee her current situation with our friend, and, unfortunately, it seems that the 'easy solution' is to deny human emotion. it's a fucked up situation, and it'd be nice if it didn't exist. our friend is currently setting herself up to be unhappy and to make others unhappy. it's not her intention, and she apparently refuses to believe that this is what she's doing. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and then everyone would be miraculously happy (I'm big on having miraculous stuff happen; not miracles, miraculous stuff. I'm not into that claptrap), but that ain't gonna happen. I want to do something about it though.

yeah.
still doing james no sleep... the link's a bit lower; I don't feel like writing it again. go to there for that project.

scrabbled by james at 9:46 PM  
been working on another new painting today, entitled "to james, for the occasion of his 20th birthday, from james." it is a birthday present to myself, or least so I have declared it in its title. yes, that's right, my twentieth birthday is approaching. march 31st. whee, I don't really care. I'm not really excited, and I'm not really depressed about it; I'm pretty apathetic on the issue.
I like the painting so far. it's generally (I always write 'genereally' first... it's irritating) very abstract at the moment, being primarily just a bunch of slashed lines and patches of red, blue, and yellow, with a bit of mixing. in one corner are three big xes; in another is a little box with two of my stick people with no arms. over top of all this I plan on painting a clockwork toy, based on this one I have. I did a sketch for it a few moments ago; I plan to do a painted study of it as well, just to make sure I can do it. it's goin in such a way that I can't really just paint over it if I screw it up, so... it seems I'm doing a lot of that in paintings these days... painting things that I can't paint over if I screw them up, not screwing up. mmm painting is fun. I'm going to make sure I do it more often.

my parents are asking if I'm going to come home for my birthday. I haven't decided yet if I will, but I think I might, on account of I haven't been home since christmas. I don't know. it's just sort of awkward, in that I don't really want to do anything about it; I don't really want to do too much of anything about anything. I'd rather just sit around and relax and do what I want, but it has to be a bit awkward in everything right now.

and I'm still trying to not sleep. read about it there. it's an interesting idea, I've been told. so c'mon... peer pressure! peer pressure!

...yeah.

scrabbled by james at 6:56 PM  
oh, just as a note...
if anyone who knows me reads this over the next few days, anything that may be taken as awkward situations isn't anymore, so... don't look at anything differently, I guess.

and now I feel that might make things get looked at differently. my precautions can cause more problems than the situations themselves.

my point is, is that any situations that might be taken as situations, are, in fact, not.
so don't worry about it. I'm doing enough of that, evidentally.

yeah.

scrabbled by james at 2:40 AM  
yeah. I'm just signing off for this blog for the next few days...

to keep yourself updated on where I am right now read james no sleep starting in about ten hours, and then after this point I do not intend to sleep for as long as I can... whee.

therefore, I should sleep now.

sleeeeeeeeep.

scrabbled by james at 9:00 PM  
okay, I'm boggled by the fact that, I just set it up yesterday, and I've already had two visits to my blog from people who visited my "james no sleep" project. it hasn't even started yet. I also got a visit to life as a dinosaur as well from james no sleep.

hardly anyone comes to my blog. I start up a web page, nobody goes to it either. I start up life as a dinosaur, and within a few weeks it's had more visits than my blog has since I started it at the end of august last year.
huh.
and then I start james no sleep, and almost as soon as I set it up it's already had visitors.
it's insane.

insane, I tells ya!
in-san-e!

scrabbled by james at 8:25 PM  
hm...
I don't really know what to write right now.
I just felt like logging in to blogger and doing something.
so I'm doing something.

"something!"

whee, I'm silly.

scrabbled by james at 3:01 PM  
okay, so I'm figuring things out at the moment...
just tried out my websites in ie 5.5 and netscape 4.7 (I've been using mozilla build 0.9.9)...
and I've discovered something. a lot of the stuff I'm doing with them isn't completely compatible with older browsers. I knew some of it wouldn't be, but I figured it would be ignored, or something. but rather, some of it just fucks up.
in ie5.5, things are reasonably okay. a few things are slightly off of how I want them, but nothing major.
in netscape 4.7, however, the comment boxes on this page are fucked... the text entry box for the comments isn't there, there are little green boxes floating around, and I'm not certain how to fix that... I'm betting it's due to me giving style properties to the form elements and this old browser not being able to handle them. which could be a problem, given that it is still a very common browser. well, it could be a problem, if people visited my site. but people don't. so it might not be a problem. but I want to take care of it anyway.
another, probably bigger, problem, is my other journal. things are not where they are supposed to be. the fonts are different as well, but that's not something I'm too concerned about (the fonts are different here, for that matter... but I'm not crying my eyes out over it). this is a problem I'm more concerned about in that people evidentally read that one. so if people read it and it behaves fucked up, well... that makes me look bad. so I need to fix that.

the only other thing I can say is, if you're using netscape 4.7, update your browser. I know it's a nuisance, especially on a modem connection, but if you don't, the internet might just look fucked up and you'll miss out on things. either that or use (*ugh*) ie. I hate ie. but ie 5.5 is far ahead of netscape 4.7 (though netscape 6.2 is ahead of ie 5.5... haven't tried ie 6, so I can't comment on that... oh, and I'm forgetting that mac versions are different numbers. I can't say what version for you guys; I'm not familiar enough. netscape versions are the same, though).

so yeah. update your browser. or use mozilla; it's the same thing as netscape, but more fun. and updates sooner, since it's the source material. (i.e., mozilla is currently at version 0.9.9, netscape 6.2 uses mozilla 0.9.4). so yeah. things.

and another note, starting thursday, I will be seeing how long I can stay awake as part of a project. so from thursday until I fall asleep, you can read my blog at james no sleep (which is fine in netscape 4.7, by the way). so yeah. should be interesting.

things.

scrabbled by james at 4:12 AM  
yeah, so I didn't go to the trail of dead show tonight
(because three fifty a m still counts as tonight).
I just wasn't really in the mood; and it's about an hour to get downtown from here (which is ridiculous; I'm technically in the city here at university... it's the bus's fault, anyway. there's a half-hour bus ride to the end of the subway line, and then it's about half an hour to get right to the centre of downtown...) so it's not an easy last-minute-deciding-to-go thing, as bryanna astutely pointed out earlier today.

so I didn't go. it was probably a good show I missed. bah... I'll cope.

was up watching tv until about an hour ago... watching snl episodes; a current one with sir ian mckellan hosting, and god was he funny (I liked when you could see him dancing to the side of the stage while carlie minogue performed... he's what, 70?), and an old one with dennis hopper hosting. we ordered pizza; stephen went back to his res to take a shower after we ordered it, intending to come back, but by the time I left he still hadn't returned and bryanna and I had eaten a good portion of the pizza.
so.

and today I found out that someone has linked to my diary-x journal. I feel rather special for that. I'm on her list of people she stalks, so I'm stalking her back in turn to see what she's like.
turnabout is fair play, after all.

yeah. a lot more people seem to read that already than either my blog or my website. I guess that's in part because of the listing method is more user-friendly on that; it's a smaller system than blogger, so when you publish, you're typically on the 'recent updates' list longer than you are on blogger's; as well as there being a feature which allows you to set it up to tell you when selected journals are updated and whatnot; I've read more individual different diary-x journals than blogs, really. maybe people are also a bit more creative on names there, which is going to be your initial draw.

not that I'm critising blogger; I've found both useful for different purposes so far. it depends on which is the format I feel is more appropriate for which I choose. blogger tends to be more coherent and written, whereas diary-x tends to be more fragmentary and poetic for me. so.

yeah.
and then there's my website, as well, which also has writing of mine, previously done on paper, as well as inane drawings I've done on my computer, like the one to the left.
and a hackeneyed 'about me' section where I tried to play games, essentially, and just made a big mess.
and links to some of my friends. go see my friends. they're entertaining too.

yeah.

scrabbled by james at 2:58 AM  
okay, so today I decided I'd put in a commenting system for my blog, so should anyone actually read it they can post comments to me. should be interesting if someone does. then I can initiate a dialogue, perhaps, or something of interest or gibberish.
I spent way too much time on it; making it look all pretty and such and designing the basic little box; it's astounding how much time it can take to make a small little thing and get it set up in a way that isn't appalling to one's own eye. pyschic tv is on my computer right now; orchids. genesis p-orridge is a bizarre man, but the song is fairly pretty.
I could use more pretty stuff these days.

I suppose that might be part of the logic being my plan for my next painting assignment. it's supposed to be coming from a standpoint of doing a 'rural landscape that you've experienced', but that's a very loose terming and phrasing with relation to the actual class.

I plan to paint a magnolia.

at my house we have a large magnolia growing in the front yard in front of my window. it smells very nice; the blossoms are large pink-white flowers, very thick juicy petals that eventually carpet the ground once they fall off. it's one of the few things that I feel sentimental about my town for.
we had some beautiful plants in our yard.

I want more beautiful things in my life right now.
stephen and bryanna were lying together while we watched a movie earlier with roxanne as well; they looked so comfortable, and it made me think of the beauty of that sort of comfort that I've felt before.
that's the best part of being with someone; the beauty of luxurious comfort, a beauty that makes you want to kiss the person and absorb them into you through your lips.
I've felt that before; it'd be nice to feel it again.

tomorrow is the trail of dead show; haven't decided when I'm going down yet. I might try to go down earlier and see tash; or I might go down shortly before the show.
the funny thing is that my mood at the current moment is one where I don't really want to go. but all this time I keep saying how much I want to go, etc.
mmrm.

I'd like to have someone I could lie with, just wrapping my arms around and holding close. so very, very comfortable.
mmm.

mmm.

scrabbled by james at 8:15 PM  
I'm tired right now.
mrag.
finally finished that damn essay today and handed it in. it's crap, but my primary focus was "it's worth 25% of my mark. if I don't get it done my chances of passing will be much more slim." so that finally managed to get me moving again.
listening to the trail of dead; two days until the show. I'm assuming that there will still be tickets, because I like to assume things (and don't give me that bullshit 'when you assume...' crap; it's moronic and irritating).
so now that I'm finished the essay I can relax for a few minutes until I start working on my three things for next week. university isn't really harder than high school (at least it doesn't really seem it too much); it's just that everything is worth more and there's no real incentive to work on things until the last minute. gah. I don't like that comment being in there. but I'm spiteful towards myself and I'll leave it in (and now I'm equating this with dostoevsky though I can't remember for certain if this is really in there. eh). yeah. I don't know.
james is tired. that's my primary concern.
james isn't going to sleep though; james doesn't know what's good for him. james, james, james...

the third person can be fun sometimes.

stephen will be please to hear I just got my photos back today, as he took a bunch at the beginning of the roll. I like taking pictures; because I'm vain and silly and I have a good-quality camera so I can take good-quality pics. slrs are nice and take pretty pictures. at some point I'll get some scanned and post them (some day...)
well, I have some scanned... but I need to make them smaller so that I have enough room to put them up, or get more space somewhere. hey there's my one picture up at the top, anyway... I'm a dinosaur. a triceratops, more exactly.
that was an awkward phrasing.

and I'm just noting to myself that I could put in some more documentation of what's been going on with my friend since 12:42 pm on march 12, but I don't want to at the moment; my mind's not into it right now. I have something in my other journal from yesterday anyway, if you're really so inclined as to look (c'mon, look! I'm cool, read my stuff, go to my webpage, come on! peer pressure!)
yeah. I'm a geek.

jimmy the geek.

scrabbled by james at 12:42 PM  
bryanna just came by.
she's late for work right now, but she wants me to check on our friend to make sure she's okay. bryanna's still visibly affected; I don't blame her. it's really getting to her too.
so.

it's really fucking upsetting. I wish my friends could all be happy. but life isn't a fucking idyllic place.

I'd rather not have to deal with this, but I have no choice.

scrabbled by james at 12:15 PM  
my depressed friend is in a bad way.

last night she had another breakdown. yelling at our friends. it was rather bad. we're all getting really fucking worried about her. after she finally managed to get calmed down enough to go to bed, bryanna, stephen and I sat around for a good couple of hours trying to figure out what we could do and get our heads on straight. we were seriously really worried. it's not just hard on her; it's hard on the rest of us to watch her hurting so badly. we all care about her, but there doesn't seem to be much we can do. bryanna's taking this extra tough because she probably cares the most about her, and feels responsible. making it so that there's another for us to try and console, I guess. but this is really bad. our friend is not doing well, and there doesn't seem to be much we can do to help. and we're worried it's just going to get worse.

scrabbled by james at 8:10 PM  
eating dinner.
working on an essay. (duchamp).
listening to smog -
bathysphere.
now it's over.
listening to allen ginsberg - howl, now.

finally found a theory on the bride stripped bare by her bachelors, even that makes sense (thank god). now I just have to write the whole damn thing.

it's interesting, at least. I like duchamp. the more I read about him, the more I understand him now (as compared to my previous 'the more I read, the less I understand him'), and the more I like his work. his fans on the internet are many, it seems as well, and intelligent ones who write analyses of the bride or make artworks based off of it

I like putting howl on in part because it means I don't have to pick a new song for quite a while,

this essay is going to be crap, though; I'm not going to have very much real supported info or sense or anything

the past two nights the power has gone off here. the first time it was understandable; there was a fairly bad snowstorm in the area. but last night's was just pointless and ridiculous. the power was out from around midnight to 3:20 (my clock is now three hours and twenty minutes slow).

finally presented my dinosaur project today; I found it amusing. now I just have everything else to deal with, particularly my essay. yay.

on an unrelated note, I think I may be getting interested in the girl I was interested in before again (see a whole bunch of january or february for my previous mentions of infatuation). so yeah. once again, nothing will probably come of that.
because I am special, I guess. words are hard and get in the way in situations, particularly spoken. written isn't so bad, except for the loss of inflections, but it allows one more time to phrase, to organise, to create the thoughts that are trying to be conveyed as coherent things instead of half-formed intuitive things. which is why I have my blog, and why I have my website, and why I have my life as a dinosaur. but this is a sort of thing that requires words, and words require a voice, and a voice requires a mind, and a mind requires a provocation to tell the voice "go!", and then the voice needs a viable situation in which it can feel comfortable saying words. and it seems any time that there is some sort of provocation there isn't any viable situation around. things never line up so I can't find out just how far I would like this to go.

and I really need to get to work on my essay.

scrabbled by james at 11:49 PM  
alright. everything is pretty now.
yay!

....that took way too long, though. damn perfectionism!

scrabbled by james at 10:59 PM  
okay, I've been screwing around with this for about an hour now, and I think I'm just about satisfied with what I've done. I'm running into a bit of a problem with my new archive version, but I'm working it out, I think.
so.... here goes with the new look.

scrabbled by james at 9:58 PM  
just updated my template. this post is to see how it looks, mostly.

scrabbled by james at 8:46 PM  

Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?

Scowling wilfully towards Autobot City, you're Megatron!

Look in a mirror and feel the evil. Then eat the mirror. You eat mirrors for breakfast. You are a badass death robot. You busted on Optimus Prime. You. Are. Megatron. Go outside and burn some animals, because you're worth it.

oh yeah.
I rock.

-------------
and elsewise...

I'm in a pretty good mood right now... listening to sonic youth. it was really warm out earlier; it was weather for which a coat was not necessary. it was rather nice...

roxanne is borrowing 'daydream nation' from me... I was talking to her earlier about sonic youth and the pixies, so now I'm lending her that... she seems to be enjoying it, so hey... more people liking good music is always a good thing

and my mind is rather vague in its being right now... wandering sideways through walls to voodoo landscapes; earlier I painted the first thing I saw this morning, the light entering through closed eyelids and the images held within it
maybe it's not quite finished yet... but it's a work that's about the concept very much. in love with the idea, perhaps.... I've used that phrase before, I'm sure of it...
I think I can do some beautiful things



and I'm not in the mood to punctuated everything properly

I want to paint these words.
I want to change this layout.

excitement and thrill.

...

scrabbled by james at 4:12 PM  
okay, so here's what's up:
finished my yoko ono paper today.
or rather, started my yoko ono paper today. finished it in about four hours. good job for me! I'm proud of my half-assed last minute paper; in that it was half-assed and last minute, but still completed.
got an extension on the marcel duchamp until monday. I now have a couple more days to fret over it! yeah!
my computer is still hooked up to my printer (I have a laptop, so I only hook it up when I need it). the stupid cable is getting in the way. and if I want to unplug the cable, then I have to turn off my computer so I don't fry things, and it's all a nuisance. grr...
djordje has gone home for the weekend. he left just a minute ago. literally.
I started a diary-x journal, entitled life as a dinosaur. I have a bunch of pictures for that; I need to post them somewhere where I can find space. (those pictures would be the ones I refer to ... or not, evidentally... I mention them in passing on the second... but only briefly.... I thought I mentioned them again after I got them developed. hrm) I like my dinosaur pictures.

and I lost my track.

listening to placebo. allergic (to thoughts of mother earth). tash gave me this tape a little over a year ago. it was the day she broke up with me, actually... and I am saying that, not longingly or mourningly,or anything, just as a matter of fact... we're still quite good friends.

last night I was talking to nick on ICQ... sent him my dinosaur story. he got a kick out of it. I like my dinosaurs. he made me want to eat a pear, the binary fruit. perfect for computers. et cetera. my mind has wandered off of a cliff now, so I'm going to stop for now.

yeah.

scrabbled by james at 12:16 AM  
mmmm
been noting that everything is so sexual with me lately. and I mean that in the sense of the things I write, the things I draw, the things I think... normally my life isn't this ...focused on the issue; it's usually more ambiguous in my mind. side-issuey.
but lately it's been dead centre of everything.

I actually remember a while ago thinking that I would like to put more eroticism in my work. I don't remember why.... I think it just felt right. this has got to be about a month or two ago... listening to sonic youth and thinking things don't have to be obviously sexual in order to be eroticised. djordje keeps coming in and out of the room and I want the door to be in a certain position right now; keep having to realign it to my desired place. eating a mirage bar; I was looking for a certain texture of chocolate. he's in the room again; I'd rather be in here by myself right now. doctor's orders.

he's left again. the door closed itself to just the right place.

...
supposed to be working on two essays right now. one yoko ono; the other marcel duchamp, the bride stripped bare by her bachelors, even. not succeeding too well. the image of the chocolate grinder in the bride... brought the chocolate to mind, along with connotations from the mention of duchamp's usage of it in my critical issues in the studio class last semester. there was a lot of duchamp in that, mondrian as well for earlier works such as the red tree. I'd rather be dealing with that stuff again than the stuff I'm dealing with in my lectures right now. I don't really mind my art history, but it's rather dry and I primarily don't want to write the essay, coupled with the fact that the bride... is a very complex and documented work that I don't have time to sort through the documentation of. I chose it though, so I can only really blame myself. but I think it's a piece I'd rather examine on interest than on academics. arts and ideas, on the other hand, is a complete nightmare of a course mandated upon all fine arts students here. my only focus with it right now is to just make sure I pass it so I don't have to take it again. when we get our 'grade this course' things this semester, god, this is getting so low marks. I hate the attitude some people take with those, though; they give a course as good as they can so everyone after them has to suffer through the same thing they did. I hate that attitude because it's the sort of thing that can screw me over with people beforehand doing it. no one should have to suffer my horrible facs class. ech.

going to see the above-linked yoko ono show at the AGO tomorrow. initially had that planned for today, but decided I'd work on essays today, do yoko tomorrow. the plan hasn't worked out too well, except in that I found out that the AGO is open later on wednesdays than tuesdays, so it gives me a bit more time to look at the exhibit. and I've noticed that I've been writing this entry for at least half an hour, and have slowly been eating my chocolate for longer than that. I'm so screwed for all this; these are going to be two half-assed papers I hand in.
at least I've got sonic youth to keep me company.

scrabbled by james at 11:41 PM  
la la la. updating my blog so much lately.
wheee.
and it's all about the same fucking thing. everything is dealing with this fucking angst I have over the bryanna/stephen thing. I'm fucking depressing myself to a degree.

I don't know why I really care. why it's giving me so much angstiness. sigh.
I guess I want to be involved in everything. and there are some things I can't be. and I don't know.

and I happen to be talking to her on icq and I can't tell what's going on exactly because tone isn't conveyed through plain type. and I don't know. it's throwing me off of everything, not knowing the tone. I either touched on something sensitive in what I was writing, or was just harassing her jokingly and she took it as such. soooo.... yeah.
and she's working on stuff, so I'm not really in a position to try and figure it out without harassing her even more. so...
additional conversation implies the latter, I think. ehhh... I guess I'm just a jackass sometimes, and that irritates me in a way. errrh.

general irritation with myself in ways. it'd be nice if I could be a part of everything.


...

scrabbled by james at 5:52 PM  
okay, my browser likes to die a lot right now; think I'm going to update to a newer mozilla shortly. the build I have isn't too friendly with blogger for some reason; it doesn't respond very well to my orders and such. yeah.

so after I'm finished I'm going to install a new version to see if things have been dealt with yet. hopefully some will have. yeah.

... and I'm tired. james sleepy.
james also think "james want alter look of blog." james need to find time and decide what to do with it then.
then james rule world.

mwahahaha.

I think I might have figured out the jealousy thing now; the reason behind it: I want every girl to love me. because I'm vain, perhaps, or perhaps it's just a natural instinct thing. or I might just feel I need attention and have a preference for it from females. I'm very much heterosexual. so yeah. my logic is that she should be interested in me, I guess, because it suits me better to have her interested in me. which is completely irrelevant to anything, though.

key to the issue is that I don't have a girlfriend or anything. noting the word I usually use is "involved", possibly because "going out", etc., sound to formal for the way things happened. so. but yeah. key to the issue. I'm sort of let down by the fact that there don't seem to be too many girls interested in me. I'm an attactive young male, smart, entertaining, plays a musical instrument (creatively and well), a good dancer, et cetera. I've got so much going for me. I'm not even exaggerating for my own purposes here; I'm honestly all these things. yet very rarely do I have any girls say anything to me. typically the best I get is a "I like the way you dance", and often not even in a hitting-on type of manner, more matter-of-fact. maybe it's, as tash once described me, that I'm 'good looking, but not hot.' she went out with me for three years; she's allowed to make these sorts of judgements. my older brother, in contrast, was described as 'not as good-looking, but hotter.' I can understand these judgements, actually; I can get the implication in the differences between him and I. but still, I am attractive. I have a very elegant face, and my hair hangs off my head more nicely now than it has in ages. I look sort of like the stereotypical vampire in a movie where they are portrayed as sexy, except my clothes aren't so victorian. so I don't know. genes ran well in my family; my brothers and I are all above average intellegence, and are all good looking. so yeah.

but I never have girls come up to me, though.
the only other reason I can think of is that pretty much all my friends are girls. guy with girls implies taken, I guess. though I make no behaviour towards it! c'mon girls... james is sexy. give him your love.

note: this is not me trying to get sex, as much as that 'give me your love' line might sound it. it was merely an awkward sentence. maybe I don't have people come up to me because I'm too pedantic sometimes.
arr. sigh.

and so on.

scrabbled by james at 4:53 PM  
just started up listening to samples off the new ...and you will know us by the trail of dead album. I've got a bunch of their other stuff (I guess pretty much all of it), and I'm naturally rather interested in hearing this stuff.
I'm definitely going to see them on the 16th. trail of dead rocks.

this is rather high-quality audio; I'm surprised, really.

whoo! 'another morning stoner' goes into 'subway sonata' at the end. I feel special for knowing that.

yeah.

so I'm going to publish this now, and then type more stuff in another post unassociated with this one.

scrabbled by james at 9:15 PM  
alright, I seem to be more sensical than I was at six in the morning. I don't feel as 'somewhat jealous' at the moment, nor was I earlier. and I'm currently typing with only one hand because I'm eating, and god it's a nuisance. give me my other hand! for the love of god! agh!
yeah. so I'm doing better. but the other pained person still seems to be so, getting upset again earlier today by them. poor girl.

all sorts of fucked-up love lives. yay. some are sort of pulling out of it, and some aren't. and some don't really have love lives. right now that's my boat. wheeeeeeeeeeee.

scrabbled by james at 6:11 AM  
okay, what the hell am I doing?
I'm pacing around in the halls of the building at six in the morning.
I'm acting like some sort of lunatic.
I'm being a bit more than 'somewhat jealous', as I called myself earlier.

WHAT THE FUCK?!
what the hell is my problem? I don't think it's solely about Bryanna and Stephen. it can't just be that. Because I'm just not that ... (words I can't think of).
Aghgraphalb. nrrh nrrh nrrh mramboat. I am insane.

It can't just solely be about her. I think she's attractive, but it ends there. Beyond that she's just my friend. And this isn't even the height of my attraction for her. Even in the height of my attraction it was separated very precisely between her body and her person. I don't know. I'm articulating as best as I can, more honestly than I would if my mind wasn't a bit frantic from irritation.

I'm fucking pacing up and down the hallways at six a.m. the weather is cold and foggy outside. I walked around a few minutes ago, a change of scene, and I was just getting so frustrated and irritable and I just wanted to break things and hit things but there wasn't anything around to use. I felt so frustrated, and I could feel my eyes trying to tear.
I'm not quite myself recently. I've noticed my dialogue of late has included different elements than it previously would have held. more frank about my own personal problems, lately, though in an obtuse manner of getting them involved. more upfront about my sex life, and wanting to get into others. rararargaRarhgraefahsdfsarkga!!!!! rebjga.kdsf,waegqubnmx.wEGB A v, A BWJ BA, W VAW,RH WA,HFBA,D avdk, b,k bedaikgbe afa,.

frustration, yeah.

word. I need something to occupy me.

scrabbled by james at 1:28 AM  
la la la
living life some. was hangin around with people earlier; I really should go to bed as I have to wake up tomorrow. but I don't want to.
she disappeared for a while earlier (the involvéd one - not that there's a point in not mentioning her name, really... it's pretty obvious who I am referring to if you know the people in my group... and not that anyone reads this) and it seems I am somewhat jealous. I'm a bit surprised at myself. That's not my standard mode of behaviour. and I capitalised that last sentence. hm. did it without thinking.
but yeah, I'm somewhat jealous. and I wish the tone in my head was readable here, because it's a more ... intrigued and astonished tone than anything else. curious at myself. silly james.
I don't really know why I'm jealous. but she wasn't there, and my mind got suspicious and a bit antsy, I guess, and so I'm ridiculous. it's not like I expect anything for myself or have any reason whatsoever to be jealous. whatever, perhaps.

listening to music I've made. I am a rocker. I rock out.
woo!

I am special.

scrabbled by james at 6:55 PM  
james is sleepy.
I don't know why I'm so tired. I'm tired a lot more recently. retroactive sleep depreivation accumulating, perhaps. gah with a side of blech. yee.

I have things to do. I have film I have to get developed. so I have to go off on an adventure to the place I can get it done, and I haven't decided whether I'm going to take this adventure this evening or tomorrow morning. I'm running out of time, because I'm so good. whee.

up late last night because once again, things happened. two friends have something possibly happening between them, and another friend is reacting badly due to it, and it's all fun. when things like that happen I just feel that I'm not able to do anything until some sort of resolution is had and everyone else goes to bed. I'm not going to go into that really any further, I guess. but now the world's all off-balance and shifted due to it. yeehah.

listening to pj harvey. soft sounds. I'm running out of time to do things.

I'm running out of time to do things, two of my friends are starting to get involved, another is depressed which is accentuated by this, I'm lacking in sleep and tired, I'm not involved with anyone, no one in my group is involved with anyone save for the two mentioned above beginning, I have three things due this next week which I have to do much work on, I have my own projects I want to work on, and yeah.

I don't know. I guess there's a bit of jealousy in me over this thing, but not really too much because life is life and such, but I guess I would prefer if it was me involved in something. I don't know. I could use something physical. I noticed that from them touching last night I was playing a bit of a voyeur. stimulation would be great, perhaps. I don't know. I guess it's possibly accented by the fact that I think she's attractive myself (though I view her as a friend, not a prospect), or possibly by the fact that I've seen this happening for quite a while more subtly in their past behaviour. I don't know; I can't normally see these things, but here I've seen it bordering for quite a while, just in their behaviour, though I don't know if they saw it as well or anything. I don't know. it just seems to have been verged on for a while.

maybe james needs a girlfriend himself; maybe james needs to do something.

maybe james needs sleep. garr.
mm. think I'll take my film tomorrow. must get up early tomorrow, then. sigh, with ugh.

instead now I'll get food, perhaps.