scrabbled by james at 5:15 PM  
sky is dark blue-grey brown and yellow from clouds.
I'd like to do something about it. maybe paint a picture, take a photograph, something. I'm writing about it. colour through window.

I'd kind of like to take a photograph, if I had colour film in my camera. roll of black and white as it is. but the problem there; the problem that's always there in pictures is that the certain something, just something, which I'm trying to capture, is the most difficult part of a picture to retain. I think it's periphial vision.

I'm sure people have probably done this before, but I want to get a fish-eye lens for my camera, and then print the pictures on a concave surface stretched to their proper places in the view. get two fish eyes on opposite sides, combine them like this, and you've got virtual reality.

scrabbled by james at 3:35 PM  
I'm moving about my room shirtless hollering out joy division lyrics sipping ginger ale.
not wearing my glasses or contacts; everything's out of focus. but that's right for right now.
the blinds to my window are mostly closed; my room is fairly dark. this also feels right for now.
choice selections, 'unknown pleasures'.
just headed into shadowplay.

I remember hearing how martin hannett got the specific sound on these recordings: band played direct to the board, and after everything was recorded the master was played into a room and that was recorded as the new master copy. that's the specific reverb on a joy division recording.

you also have to respect a band which had no singles off of either of their albums. the albums were complete unto themselves; to take a single off of one would be to defile it. the singles were separate, and all the better for it.
one album song was re-recorded as a single; 'she's lost control', but that was a special case. the song was re-recorded to add an epilogue on to the end, after ian curtis found out some more information about the girl in question.
great band.

I'm ending this entry now.

scrabbled by james at 3:30 AM  
I have no idea what I'm going to do about this girl.
I need to decide whether she's worth trying to figure all this out over.
one major problem: I never see her. I've seen her twice, briefly, (the second time just barely a hello) since the last time we hung around, which was, I think three weeks ago? too long. I don't know where any of this stands, where any of this is going, I never see her, I don't know. I need to know these things, because with where it is right now, I can't make a move. unless I decide 'fuck it I don't care', which is rather difficult to do.

it's almost three-thirty. my contacts want to be taken out and I should sleep; I do still have class tomorrow. somethings.

appropriate music in my mind for its sound, 'safe from harm' by massive attack, 'enjoy' by bjork. definte tricky influence there...

rargafrableafbaslfkajd.

scrabbled by james at 2:16 AM  
I don't want to exchange words with people right now.
The girls I love all live dangerously, live through danger.
I need to write things and no other place is fitting right now.
paper won't work,
lifeasadinosaur won't work,
nothing else is working right now.
things are odd in my head.

finished an essay due tomorrow on 'the paradise institute'; it's supposed to be 500 words; mine's 800-something. I tried to cut it down, but I can't really.
I have an image of a burning house in my head thanks to it;
the power plant's page for it has a little realvideo clip of that.
I feel I am going mad in my head.

I have had a headache somewhere in there all day, since my light and sound lab. 700hz and 1200hz tones resonating through this tiny little room, rah it gave me a headache. I don't usually get headaches or complain about them. this one was too evil though. damnable tones piercing my skull.

I don't know what I want to say, really.
I'm just writing.
I really should sleep.
I really should destroy the world, blow everything up, and listen to sonic youth.
I'd really like to have better access to a specific someone.

scrabbled by james at 7:38 PM  
and the archives need to be adjusted.
if you want to see old stuff, it's all still available at the old location, but I'm gonna get that linked up properly here soon too.

scrabbled by james at 7:33 PM  
so I've finally gotten around to updating my site. after about two months or so. took way too long on that.

there was more I was gonna write. I know it. but I can't remember what it was. possibly look for more later.

and I'm still working on a new template. I'm tired of how this looks. rrr.

scrabbled by james at 2:17 AM  
okay, so I'm working on a new template. wait for it.

on a different note, I started this back up for a reason - essentially I wanted to write prose-style things as well as what I've got in my other journals. prose-style semi-coherent. and now it's difficult to get that off, in a way.

okay.

things have been going such in my head lately, where ideas present themselves, and an idea often is people, yeah yeah yeah. and I want to have a girl with me more and more as I see situations and vaguely flirt and comments and all these things and I just don't know what to say, too much. not all the time. things, ideas, whatever... something. I don't know entirely what I want to say. so, then.

thoughts wandering around, all sorts of things. and I really don't know how to phrase these things sometimes because it's really very nonchalant in one way but not at all in another and I just can't get it how/what I want. things are blown and unsteady in some ways. and that line doesn't really make too much sense.

so I don't know what I'm saying too much. I know of some girls that interest me in some ways, but I'm not certain quite what ways. and I have no idea what I really want to say. hrm.
this is not a subject on which I am good at being articulate.
just thoughts, ideas.... (separate though not necessarily relevant to what I'm feeling notes: I haven't had a girlfriend in about a year. I had a girlfriend before that I loved, and still love in a way, though not necessarily the same way. I don't really want a girl because 'I haven't been getting any action', because that's not really relevant in my mind. it's so insignificant, and I can cope. in my mind, that only really matters when I have a specific someone I want who is refusing me, in that it's a taunt almost, but without even the tone of a taunt. a sad taunt. and I'm not in that situation.)

so, because I can't articulate myself, I am instead going to write out the lyrics for 'madonna, sean and me' by sonic youth, off of the album 'EVOL', which is in my head:
we're gonna kill the california girls
we're gonna fire the exploding load
in the milkmaid maidenhead
we're gonna find the meaning of feeling good
and we're gonna stay there as long as we think we should
mystery train
three way plane
expressway to yr skull.

listen to the song, and it'll matter more.

scrabbled by james at 1:33 AM  
okay:
so I've decided I'm reviving this. though it's now in a different location, and I am going to redesign the way it looks. hold on.
had to make a small change; see how things are going. I plan on completely adjusting this page's design, so watch out!

in case anyone's wondering, quotation junky went on hiatus on the basis of 'I was writing in my other journal all the time.' but now, I've gotten to the point where I want to write things in a different style than that journal, and it would necessitate something else to work with. I didn't really think I needed to start up a whole new thing though, so I'm reviving this. I have no idea how revived this will be, though. it remains to be seen.

so I'm going to stop at that for now, and head on to writing real entries and redesigning this page. so here goes.

scrabbled by james at 11:34 PM  
quotation junky is now officially on hiatus.
read/look at my home site, my other journal life as a dinosaur, or go listen to my music instead.

scrabbled by james at 12:37 AM  
whooo
finally
my mp3.com site that I signed up for a week ago is up
if anyone wants to hear my stuff go to http://www.mp3.com/treeclimber/
so.

this is pretty sad; I scarcely update this blog anymore.
pretty much only news-type things.
sigh.

I update my other more often, though...
sigh.

scrabbled by james at 8:39 PM  
watching ute lemper performing live on bravo... rather amusing eccentric woman she is.
recording it on tape; apparently she's going to be doing some nick cave songs (yay!) as well as weill and other weimar songs (she's already done one, a phillip glass song, elvis costello, and something else by someone I have no idea who it was...). I'm enjoying it.

scrabbled by james at 10:15 PM  
there are all sorts of thoughts going through my head. aimless. random, bouncing. trying to figure them into coherent ones; my mind insists on distraction.

eryn has been saying some very good things lately.

buttercup festival is amusing me, and also saying some very good things.

song lyrics going through my head. mark david chapman.

scrabbled by james at 12:20 AM  
typing up stuff from paper. preparing to *gasp* update my website, for the first time in about a month. haven't been too on the ball with that, eh? ah well.

and now all that stuff is in order, I think. to post!

scrabbled by james at 10:55 PM  
noises.
I am going to go outside and scream at the sky.

I want to fly everywhere; I want to do everything.
run around outside.

everything should be dancing.

scrabbled by james at 8:37 PM  
as always, I am thinking about going out for a walk again.

yesterday, joey wrote, in a series of entries,

Music is the way life is supposed to be lived.

We need percussion tracks to drive us.

We need to sing.

And where are all the lights?

damn right.
so many times music is so important. so many times things just seem more right when accompanied by a fervent guitar being played like they mean it. so many times it seems more right when you've just got something to go with it.

things are going right if there are songs you can laugh to, songs you can cry to, songs that can make you feel in love. not through lyrics, necessarily, but through the song as a whole.
and as I've said before (somewhere, I don't remember where, eh), love does not have to be directed. one can be in love, and just be in love.

I already said something about we will fall.
iggy pop sometimes can just convey so much, so well, when he hits it.

.... blank. funtime.

scrabbled by james at 11:14 PM  
just got myself some ice cream. mint chocolatey chip. ('chocolatey' is the word on the package, so...) as I was scopping it out I had a sudden urge for some strawberries.

I fell like writing something long and interesting. we'll see what comes out.

yesterday I talked to my friend tash for the first time in about a month. every time I talk to her, my thought afterwards is that " I should really talk to her more often," but then I don't. I've devised the theory that it is because I am afraid of phones.
I don't like making phone calls, and I never have. it's such a stress to make one; it's not like a real conversation. you can't see the person you're talking to. you are committed to conversing with them. every time I make a phone call for the sake of having a conversation, I feel like I have to have something to say, or else I'm trapped. if I call and have nothing to say, and the person I call has nothing to say, then where are we? stuck in a conversation that neither of us are contributing to. and the same thing happens if we run out of things to say. stuck, screwed. and it can be difficult in such a situation to end it. how do you end that? painful. I prefer talking face-to-face much better.

unfortunately, I haven't seen tash face-to-face since december, and neither of us has the money at the moment to make a trip to visit the other.



earlier I took this test to see how thought out my religious beliefs were, because I find that sort of thing interesting. "battleground god".
my results were that I ended up getting hit twice and biting one bullet. I disagree with the logic behind these, though.

If you intend on trying this out, I suggest you try it out first before reading further, as what I say below may have an effect on your answering of the questions. then come back and read the rest. it opens in a new window so you don't have to do searching. so.











space to try and keep from spoiling.











first bullet:
I said that it was rational to believe that the loch ness monster did not exist on the basis of no strong evidence of its existance, and then that atheism is a faith on the basis of it saying that god does not exist because there is no solid proof of a god's existance. so saying the loch ness monster's non-existance is rational with a god's non-existance is a matter of faith both on the basis of evidence for or against their existance not being there.

the thing is, however, is that I don't think of these two things as equvalents. I am an atheist besides, and so I am calling my atheism a belief. which is true; it is a belief. however, I view it as a rationally-founded belief. rationalism and faith are not opposites. I said it was rational to assume that the loch ness monster does not exist; I did not say that just because it was rational to believe that the loch ness monster did not exist doesn't mean it unequivocally does not exist period.

so.

I also got hit for saying it was unjustifiable to believe something based on a 'firm, inner conviction' despite external evidence (or lack thereof) to its truth or falsity, and then saying that it was justifiable to believe in god onthe basis of a 'firm, inner conviction'. "FLAGRANT CONTRADICTION!" it said, though I disagree, due to the lack of commenting on the external evidence to its truth or falsity for the existance of god one. so. score another for me, hah!

and then there was the bullet I bit. here's what they said:

"In saying that God has the freedom and power to do that which is logically impossible (like creating square circles), you are saying that any discussion of God and ultimate reality cannot be constrained by basic principles of rationality. This would seem to make rational discourse about God impossible. If rational discourse about God is impossible, there is nothing rational we can say about God and nothing rational we can say to support our belief or disbelief in God. To reject rational constraints on religious discourse in this fashion requires accepting that religious convictions, including your religious convictions, are beyond any debate or rational discussion. This is to bite a bullet."

here's what I say:
I've long since decided that if there is a god, this god is not rational, because in order for this god to truly be a god, they would have to not be bound by anything whatsoever. Therefore, it is rather irrelevant whether or not we believe in this god, as it doesn't make a difference to the god. Any god possible is beyond human knowledge and capability, and if there is one, cannot be anything detectable or understandable. If we can understand it, then it is not a god; it is an animal or plant or mineral or whatever.

this is the basis for my atheism, the belief that any god possible is not worth worshipping. therefore, why bother? if other people want to believe in a god, then that's fine, they can, so long as it does not interfere with me, really. if they don't want to, well, that's fine too. as I say, people can and should decide things for themselves. I have my own reasons for believing things, others have their own as well.

so....


I therefore negate myself of my two hits and one bitten bullet and make off with a clean score. go me.


end lengthy blog entry that was me ranting primarily. yesh.

scrabbled by james at 9:34 PM  
last night I had a dream in which one of the members of the trail of dead (I think it was conrad; he was never identified) came and sat a a table outside somewhere with me; it eventually progressed into him singing a song that was made up on the spot... I tried to figure out parts of the song after I got up; can't really remember the lyrics much beyond him calling someone cocky (grabbing his crotch in a visual pun and looking at someone nearby) and that the chorus was something like "get the sun out of my eyes".

bands that have been in my dreams, as far as I can remember: the cure, sonic youth, and now, and you will know us by the trail of dead.
second made-up song I can think of in a dream (another one had a made-up song by the cure, not the same dream as the one they were in though... odd dream, especially in that I woke up partially through the song and it was playing on my stereo. once it reached the end of the song I hit the back button on my cd player (disintegration was in there on repeat) and instead of going back to the beginning of this unknown song, it went to the start of the last song on the album ('untitled'), which sounds completely different from what I had heard...)

I mention the trail of dead a lot.

scrabbled by james at 7:50 PM  
the video for 'god's away on business' by tom waits is one of the coolest videos ever.

scrabbled by james at 12:28 AM  
quarter after midnight.

sitting here on the computer.
this is almost like death. that sounds pretentious. ridiculous me.
this is almost like death in that it is me sitting here and numbing. I'm not doing anytihng; I'm wasting time almost. I don't really care too much about being on my computer, or about being on the internet, or whatever.

right now, what I think I want to do is go outside.

every night now, almost, I've been going out and walking around town at midnight.
this town is empty after nine.
I walk around town at midnight. last night I danced around in the middle of an intersection because it was so bare.
loping around, hop skip and jump down the middle of the lane.

I don't have my full licence, and I don't want it. I don't like driving. I don't want to drive. I don't need to drive.
if I drove everywhere instead of walking, my life would be so much less enjoyable.
the only thing I ever do around here, because it is the only thing I can really do around here, is walk around town.

I am going to go for a walk shortly.
I usually end up taking about two or three walks a day, about an hour to three each.

I am going to go for a walk shortly, at almost twelve-thirty now. I am going to go out with my headphones on, and sing whatever music I bring with me out at the top of my lungs. I am going to dance down the empty street. I am going to find whatever the hell I can to jump on top of and just get off of the ground.

this is such an important thing, jumping on things.

I am going to go for a walk.

scrabbled by james at 3:56 AM  
hrm.
it's twenty to four in the morning.
I am a bit hungry, and have lethal hiccups.
it doesn't help that I'm so thin; my diaphragm is stronger than the rest of my body. damnit.

nonsense.

I don't know. something.

sent an email to a friend I haven't talked to in about a month, haven't seen since december. wish I could see her more often; one of my best friends. probably my best friend. but unfortunately circumstances aren't the greatest sometimes. sigh.

it's still almost four.
I really should get off of here and go to bed probably.
my left contact is sticking up a bit from my eye; I can feel it poking against the lower eyelid.

I'm just putting nonsense. this isn't a very good entry.

scrabbled by james at 11:51 PM  
and yes I say things like 'oh my goodness.'

gosh-darn it!

scrabbled by james at 11:50 PM  
oh my goodness spelling the vacuum is amusing.

these have been very small uneventful entries in here lately.
eh.

scrabbled by james at 1:44 AM  
ah, the current no outlet is amusing.

I probably read too many web comics.

scrabbled by james at 10:20 PM  
I am making a new word.
I have the word; I just don't have the definition.
the word is:
alimenopy.

any suggestions?
put them in the comments thing.

scrabbled by james at 10:07 PM  
I am eating an apple.
my friend scoffed at this, and spat in the proverbial eye of my apple.
the apple of my apple's eye, perhaps.

fruit is on my mind this evening.

scrabbled by james at 9:49 PM  
listening to idlewild.
never listened to them before, but grabbed them on a whim from my brother's collection. there was a picture in the booklet I liked (plus on this journal which I have been reading over the past few days it says 'idlewild' up at the top, so the word was on my mind...)
yeah

it's interesting. it doesn't really sound like anything too special, but at the same time, there's something about it.
so...

I don't know. something.





I saw a mango riding a bus one time. no idea where it was headed.

I guess even mangoes need to travel.






there are other fragmentary things in my head that don't want to coalesce. hrm.
later for them, perhaps.

scrabbled by james at 12:16 AM  
hooooooo!!!!

people need to just shout more.
not yell, shout.



I need to just shout more, it's difficult, but I'm trying.
last night I danced for an hour in a park, beautiful midnight. I bounced myself off of a fence and it was wonderful like a sort of flight. I shouted out twice during that time, though I wanted to more.

I want to just holler out some noise and sustain it.
I need more practise.





I want this wonderful weather to continue. I want to run around and on top of things and just jump and fly.

stockhausen on winamp; kontakte.
part of my mind has been wanted to listen to trail of dead for a while, but I haven't put them on.
jumping and dancing; I need to get some dancing shoes, more agile than my boots. jazz sneakers, perhaps? I know someone with some, and they look marvellous; I'd like to try some.

I sincerely think that I may take a dance class at some point; maybe as one of my electives perhaps.
mmm. that could be interesting.

scrabbled by james at 11:33 PM  
this is the funniest diesel sweeties comic I've read in a long time.

scrabbled by james at 10:13 PM  
mmmmmmmmmmm
my mind is messed lately.
been rather unsatisfied with things, though I have no idea what exactly. blerg.

fiona apple singing behind me. fits in with my mindframe in my weird way, in a strangely similar way to the drastically different music of sonic youth circa 1983. in a similar way to my desire to walk around in the moonlit sky outside dark warm air illuminating waxing gibbous-nearly-full moon. La Luna shining brightly. in a similar way to me wanting to talk to one of my friends about nothing in particular but just for the sake of rambles between mindframes. in a similar way to me wanting to see another of my friends who I haven't seen since december, just hang around and ramble and do anything at all.

in a similar way to wanting to climb ontop of a rooftop and running around and jumping and hoping somewhat in the side of my mind that the roof will cave in on one of my landings. in a similar way to my incessant desire to fly.

god. that's everything.
I want to fly.

dancing is the earth-bound equivalent of flying. my bones and limbs are stiff; I need to shake everything out and flail away.

flinging my arms around, whirling.

scrabbled by james at 9:40 PM  
steve reich on my computer. piano phase.
pianopianopianopiano repeating piano notes over and over. aimless thoughts in my head.

scrabbled by james at 9:27 PM  
I haven't really been outside in a few days.

I like being outside. going outside is one of the few things that keeps me sane around here.



I can feel myself being cramped up in here right now, and it's a bit unnerving, I suppose. not unnerving; something else. not disconcerting.... what's coming to my head is 'alienating'. a bit alienating? alienating me from the world, perhaps. no, not alienating me from the world. alienating me from fresh air; alienating me from a wider landscape than my house.
that may be it.

so now, I resolve myself to getting out of the house at some point tomorrow. fresh air, a wider landscape.
get the hell away from here.

scrabbled by james at 1:05 AM  
whooo.......
getting off in just a moment....
but I almost have bjork's pagan poetry video on my computer now...
gah it's a wonderful video
beautiful

right up there with bachelorette (which I already have)...

and it's done!
yay for the wonder that is bjork!

scrabbled by james at 12:38 AM  
if you haven't read it yet, cat and girl has some very good things to say.

this one, for instance, is a pretty good summation of my opinion of one of the two major groups in my town. (the 'punk/metal group'. the other major group is the 'white boys who think they're down with it'. jeesh.)

perhaps more in a bit; I've been all-writey today. (it's a pun, kind of. heh.)

scrabbled by james at 4:14 AM  
eeeeeeeee happy good stuff at this four in the morning.

sonic youth is going to be playing toronto august fifteenth.


eeeeeee I can't wait.

scrabbled by james at 2:11 AM  
pj harvey just got cooler than ever with me finding this pic.

of course, she was already cool, so...



on an unrelated note, I've actually updated my site for the first time in a few weeks. I feel sooo special.

and my mind wants me to write in here, but I don't have much to say at the moment, nothing floating around in my mind right now. shucks.

really, I blame this spacing in updating in my two journals on the fact that I have easier access to writing on paper than on the internet right now. I've had so much written that way because it's been more convenient.... (that stuff can all be found here if you're interested... I reccommend being interested; I personally think that stuff's better than this.... this is too unfocused for me at the moment. damn my mind for not behaving how I want it to at all times. heh.)

and now I feel like I was going somewhere in my head, though I wasn't really. pretend games in there. eh.

scrabbled by james at 11:14 PM  
la la lala
home again.
homifying.
listening to the sonic youth, hearing about a kool thing. looking at about seven webpages at once in one browser window (I love tabbed browsing. mrah!) and talking with a friend a la the icy queue.
reading a diary-x journal I've been meaning to go through for a while, but never got around to... devotchka. a clockwork girl who likes music I like. writes well as well.
I can't remember my droogish slang too much so I can't write what I would like immediately. mrmm.

on a completely unrelated note, this has to be one of my favourite searches on google I'm linked in.
wooj. ah, that's amusing. silly people.

scrabbled by james at 7:51 PM  

I want to say so much that sometimes the only way I could get it all out would be just to scream.
A wild, unintelligible scream.

Boy, I must really have problems to feel that need. ... Or do I?

I have this feeling all the time. this feeling, for me, is very very natural. this is a very pure and exact thing. what this is is just... desire. life.

this is why I listen to music so much. music is one of the only times that this sort of thing seems to be deemed permissable, and as much as I'd like to be able to just go and scream any time I want just for the sake of just releasing this sound, I can't.
I just want to scream all the time, and it's not from angst; it's not from sorrow; it's just something that so very there that I can't describe it any other way.


I feel a bit odd typing this at the moment. I'm currently visiting friends at university who I haven't seen in about a month, using one of their computers. bryanna's, specifically. everybody else is having nap-time right now, and I need something to keep me occupied here, because I'm restricted in what I can do by this not being my place and me not having keys to allow me to wander freely in and out of the building. it's a bit of an odd sensation.

I lived on this campus for eight months, and now, I come back for a visit and it feels so bizarre and off to me. so.
what then?




yeah.

scrabbled by james at 11:16 PM  
I've been working on this idea some more; I'm still working things out for it. god, it's a great thing deciding these things. things are coming into focus. focus is useful.

and I have a comment down there from joey saying to count him in. well, the thing is, is that I already had, actually. experiment 1 is exactly what I'm talking about. it's like a guidebook for this process, which is wonderful.


... and I don't know if I'm being too coherent at the moment. I'm trying to watch the matrix while I'm typing this up, so everything is distracting me all at once. I must stop.

grah.

scrabbled by james at 11:25 PM  
okay:

this is my declaration on everything. this is what I want from everything; this is my purpose in what I am trying to achieve. in my writing, in my music, in my art, in everything I surround myself with, in everything I do.
I am trying to make something perfect.

I am trying to make a perfect world for myself, somewhere I can just turn around and gaze at everything and just marvel at it. I want to surround myself with beauty; not merely aesthetic beauty; intellectually aesthetic beauty. I want things that are beautiful for the way that they stimulate my mind. I want to encapsule myself in a world of this. this is why I write, this is why I paint. this is why I do everything.

this is why I jump on top of garbage cans when they are in my path, so I can sit above real reality and try and be in the reality inside of that (steal phrasing from liner notes now, sonicyouthdaydreamnation); so I can jump off of them and get that high of being alive. this is why I dance and dance with everything I have. this is why I thrash away on my guitar. this is why my painting is a performance in itself, I make an act of out it, throwing myself into the canvas, dancing with the paint on my brush palette knife fingers whatever.

I have decided something. I have decided that I am a sonic youth. I am a person who just emanates with such life that the air around me vibrates and creates music. this is a very difficult thing to do. sonic youth was made up of sonic youths; they're older now though. joy division was made of sonic youths. and now, in music today, the sonic youths that I know of are those in and you will know us by the trail of dead.



the other day I was talking to a girl and mentioned that I liked photography; in particular I do colour photography. she said she prefers black and white. I don't really know why so many people prefer it to colour, why people tend to view it as 'more artistic'. perhaps it is because I view myself as a painter first. I love colour; I love the way it interplays and contrasts. with colour you can just get such vibrancies and amazing things that are more real than real reality; they're inside that reality on a super-real level.



I've decided now, just now, based on that last sentence. I know where I fit in; I know what my style is. I am a superrealist. this is my manifesto. superreality: the process of getting inside real reality and finding the core essence, the exact thing that makes it so absolutely glorious and perfect. I want to immerse myself in this superreality; I want it to be everything.

my god. my god. this is almost enough to make me cry at the wonder of it.
I am starting a new movement.

scrabbled by james at 1:53 AM  
mrmm

went to a concert the other day; my brother's band was playing so I took pictures for him. wasn't too bad a show; some of the other bands playing were crap but a few of them weren't bad.

something I liked was that I got to dance.
dancing rocks. I dance every chance I get. and it doesn't even take much; you just have to go with the music; follow where it puts in the accents. it's so much fun. my only problem is that I dance completely and don't restrain myself; if I haven't eaten in a while I get a pain in my stomach from overexerting, which I usually remedy by drinking water. though at a club or wherever, it's fucking expensive (grr...).
god I danced so much though. only for two bands, each of which had about ... maybe a bit more than half an hour, but by the end of the second one I was ready to fall over. my legs were giving out on me. I had to stop before they were finished, actually, on that basis. which I was a bit disappointed I had to do, but eh.

part of the reason I was disappointed was because, as silly as it sounds, I had a fan club. and seriously. I was the only person dancing, but during the second band I had a circle of people standing around me watching. someone shouted "don't stop!" at one point. probably about five or six people complemented me on my dancing afterwards.
I like dancing. I think more people should dance. (though at the same time, I don't, for two reasons...

the first reason I don't think a lot of people should dance is that there are a lot of terrible dancers. it can be fricken irritating to have to deal with them, especially since a lot of them take up more room than is necessary or considerate.

the second reason I don't think more people should dance is not going to be put in. because I don't feel like writing really too much at the moment. I just stopped feeling like it, all of a sudden. so too bad.)

yeah.

scrabbled by james at 8:44 PM  
I'm also number 31 out of "about 41" (I like how it's always "about x" no matter how specific it gets) for "snarble".

mmm. snarble.

scrabbled by james at 8:38 PM  
okay, this is the funniest thing ever, in my opinion.
this site is the number one entry in google for the search "fucking quotation". I find that so hilarious.

I'm number one! oh yeah!




but on the side of that, who is looking up "fucking quotation"? and what sort of thing are they expecting?
I'm boggled.

scrabbled by james at 12:33 AM  
oh, and there's a forum now for all this spiffy stuff of mine (and others)

go here and register. for my stuff, go into big name on page.

post away!

scrabbled by james at 12:28 AM  
rarg.
trying to work out things for meeting up with people at york tomorrow, but I can't get a hold of anyone... bah to that, I say. a big fat bah.

I feel like I haven't written in here in ages. I feel like I've been doing things non-stop. I feel hectic and a bit harried. that word doesn't look right but I can't think of a different possibility for its spelling.

something something. blerg.


... this is a great quote, I think:

Capitalism cannot defeat me!

(It just makes me sleepy.)

I was amused. taken from here; joey's writing amuses me very much in all the great things he has to say. so.

this week seems to be a very long one. it's only wednesday (technically thursday) but it seems to be almost over to me. I feel like I've been going non-stop and rushing around and hurried and hectic. I something something something words words words. why can't I get a hold of people when I need to? jeez.

I missed a concert yesterday which I would have liked to go to (the cranes) which I mentioned in my other journal; I neglected to mention that I missed a concert a few days ago that I would have liked to have gone to as well. nick cave played on the 27th, and nick cave is great. I had been saying for a while that I wanted to go, then I forgot about it, then remembered at about 7 on the day of the show. at that point I wasn't too bothered, but the next day or so I saw an article on it and was kind of going "man... I should have gone". ah well. something something.

hrm. if I can't get a hold of people, will I go or not? mystery to be decided. razzafrazzin'...

scrabbled by james at 10:59 PM  
fa fiddle dee dee...
and my site is now relocated over to http://www.disappointedidealist.com/~bnop/

and I think everything's working with it and such....
now I just need to update to a newer mozilla so I can make blogger pro work (grr for not supporting 0.9.9+! it's sooooo close to the 1.0 trial thingamajob! ah well. I was going to update it anyway...)

huzzah!

scrabbled by james at 10:44 PM  
oh, and in case anyone's wondering, yes, that's me in the pictures. that is my ear.

scrabbled by james at 10:42 PM  
actually, thinking about it, the really classy thing to do would be to put one of those images (the desktop captures) as my background, instead of the different pictures that I have. so then I can work with trying to figure out which icons are real and which ones are pictures.

scrabbled by james at 10:39 PM  
whooo
I'm in a good mood. spontaneous good mood. earlier I was fiddling around and making la musique sur ma computer (as I can't remember 'computer' en francais (nor the code for a 'c with a cedille' character... if I've got the character name right)... I don't even know if I've got the genders right. damn gendered languages. well, at least french only has masculine and feminine; none of that 'neuter' stuff. sheesh). reason is a pretty good program for that. then I made myself some dinner, pizza, which I make a pretty damned good one of. I don't know if that sentence makes sense. eh. but anyway, the point is that I make a tasy pizza. then I manage to get on the internet again without any hassle or competition from siblings. all sorts of spiffy things aligning.

now, here's something I came up with last night that I'd like to get some response on. which of these looks like a better desktop:

the positive version
or
the negative version?

(because I'm too lazy to work out resizing them in my head so that the don't make my table huge; it's not that big of a deal anyway. eh.)

so cast yer votes, people! just stick them down at the bottom in the comments thing and well get a verdict later.

oh, and if your crafty or paying attention, you may have noticed the address in there. that's right, it be a different addy. as my website (big name on page, linked above where it is currently at), will soon be moving over to be hosted over at the disappointed idealist (thanks to jason for the offer). so in the near future, I'm going to be working something out for it to be moved over there, and then you'll be able to find it at its new home. and these sentences are so terrible right now. rargaphl!

anyway. on with the show.

scrabbled by james at 11:52 PM  
reading through various websites. I've got a bunch of catching up to do.

right now I'm feeling very much like action. I've had for quite a while now the image in my head of jumping off of something high, just for the experience of the free-fall. the fall is important. that separation from "the world", that ... freedom. I want to jump and I want to fly. my only concern is in the real world I'll crash and hit the ground.

so maybe I'll have to find one of those places where you can jump off of a cliff into a lake, or something. or skydiving.

I want to run around like nonsense in nice weather. once I get off of here, I'll go see. hopefully it'll work out.

scrabbled by james at 11:58 PM  
on the internet again.
I don't get to do that so much any more. now that I'm at home again I've got a whole bunch of other people to compete with.

but since I'm here, I've managed to post some more stuff onto my website. I also found some old stuff I had, which I had forgotten about. in particular, I found this picture, which I like very much:



I'm rather fond of this picture.

scrabbled by james at 5:25 AM  
I am actually caught up with goats now.
because I decided I would read it straight from the beginning, as I decided with bobbins (which I'm in last november for right now), diesel sweeties, 8-bit theatre, and all of the other comics I read. I started doing this with pvp, but I haven't really read much of it yet. eh, I say, primarily.

comics are amusing, and I spend too much time reading them.



on another note, it's 5:18 in the morning. I should go to bed. it's early. and things and such and yeah.
et cetera.

scrabbled by james at 3:42 AM  
the most right thing to do at the moment is to mess up my hair.

because again, this seems important.
at three-thirty six in the morning, these are the sorts of things that are most important.

and I think they should be all the time.

scrabbled by james at 3:21 AM  
I think I would like to make myself some toast and chocolate milk.

and I write this because, in the grand scheme of things, it seems important.

scrabbled by james at 3:07 AM  
pj harvey keeps coming on winamp.

the window just above me keeps rattling.
I'm asuming it's a cat.

this is a wonderful idea here.

and now the trail of dead. an excellent band. prince with a thousand enemies.

they have very glorious music.


I'm realising I'm rather tense inside. and that I need to relax somehow.
the problem is that this is a very ambiguous tenseness. I don't know what's getting at me really.
red house painters. grace cathedral park. this came on and the thoughts above came to me.

my room is filled with stuff. tonnes and tonnes of stuff. I have more stuff than I know what to do with. literally. it's all piled in boxes in the centre of my room. and somehow that feels comfortable, like it's the place it should be. it shouldn't be placed along the sides on shelves and on furniture and such.
I've been trying to figure out why.

I think it might be because it doesn't represent me any more. the majority of it was stuff that I had left here when I left for university. this stuff stayed. I came back and decided that my room no longer felt like my own, and went to rearranging the furniture. and in order to move that stuff, I first had to clear it off. so now all of my old stuff is in boxes taking up a large chunk of my room not representing me anymore and I can't really bother to go through it to decide what to do with it.

if it wasn't even there I probably wouldn't even care.
it's all just useless stuff.

but I've gotten off topic. what I was talking about was this ambiguous tenseness inside me. I've noticed it before. very acutely at points, but right now it's just sitting in a little ball.
my life here is not me.

I don't know where my life is me, but here it is not me.

and maybe that's why I've been feeling like something is missing while I'm here.

post!

scrabbled by james at 2:36 AM  
okay, that was an odd movie.

I don't know whether the end of it was happy or not. it was... something.

there is a spider crawling across the floor. my childhood tells me to call it a wolf spider, though I don't know if that's the right name for it.

okay... I was just flipping through the channels and came across a guy giving another guy a blow job... and not a simulated one, or a hard-to-see sort of thing; a genuine very much real blow job. now that's not something you see every day. that would be on showcase, which is currently doing a preview for the independent film channel. ah, showcase. there's a channel not for the faint-at-heart. and apparently jason has gone about five hundred years into the future where maniacs can easily take over space stations. tv is distracting me. I have goats and bobbins comics to read. not to mention a whole plethora of others.

off goes tv.

ah, goats is amusing.

scrabbled by james at 2:15 AM  
I'm at home again, and updating this for the first time in quite a while. over a week now. I've been being lazy with this journal still, and using my other journal instead. right now I'm watching tv. because now I can better than before, with Cable (whoo...). commercials are still mostly terrible.

but what I'm watching is rather amusing. at home with the webbers. the whole "real people on tv" idea, done long before the truman show and edtv. neither of which I've seen. this is fairly mundane at the moment. because I'm distracted, I guess. hm.

this is an odd fucking movie.

scrabbled by james at 4:20 AM  
I don't even know what I wrote there anymore...

scrabbled by james at 4:20 AM  
okay.
it's three frickin thirty in the morning.
I haven't seen anyone in what I still consider to be today though it is yesterday now. I've been sitting in my room too long.
listening to alarm in the graduate school by narbotic. amusing song. I like the part about learning surgery for your mfa. I'm going for a bfa... I'm such a geek.

I've been hiding from my computer for a while. I just haven't wanted to touch it too much lately. I'm in the middle of my exams now; I should be working on stuff but I'm not. I'm wasting time and not doing anything productive. listening to the strokes. 'is this it?' the song. over and over now. I keep drinking pepsi. I've had probably five or six so far today. today is still yesterday. tomorrow is the today of the future.
eventfulness.

things have been happening. I've been getting things to happen. not necessarily the way I want, but they've been happening. said something to the girl who I've been constantly musing about. you can read about it in my other journal
(two links there). it didn't work out, needless to say. but I'm not upset, really. and I'm really uncomfortable how I'm sitting right now, but I can't find a better position. hayden covering the pixies. gouge away. pixies are damn good stuff.
I'm feeling all edgy right now. last night I didn't sleep. forcefully slept myself from about 11:30 this morning until about four. was a bit tired; made myself go to sleep. I think I may end up doing something similar again.
it's fucking four in the morning. why did I get so edgy all of a sudden? why am I so fervent in my movement? because I wasn't certain if that's what I want I looked it up... the immediate definition is accurate, though looking at its synonyms, the "related words" are not what I want at all.

why have I gone through half a twelve-pack of pop that I only bought yesterday afternoon? (yesterday is the today of the past now) why do I want more pop still?

why do I want to throw things and open my ribs to release this odd pressure inside my chest? (such a strange pressure as I've never felt before... and I do talk like this.)

I belong to the blank generation; I can take it or leave it each time.

scrabbled by james at 4:45 AM  
arg.

alright, I've decided. I'm going to bed.

I frickin' read through the rest of the guy's damn page. goddamn irritating intelligent people I disagree with. say things that I don't agree with at all, but I can understand why he says them, and so am forced to deal with it rationally. it's like watching some tv show which you can't stand, but you saw the first five minutes and now they've suckered you in. fuck.

but it's 4:37 by my computer's clock. I should go to bed. NOW.
my eyes are sore. I have too much to do over the next couple days. grar.
noises. I just really don't want to shut up, though I don't have anything to say at the moment. my mind is working fervently but it's not working on anything. it's just loose spinning gears.
clockwork.


bah.

scrabbled by james at 4:28 AM  
fucked up my archives template a bit, because mine is manually updated in order for me to be satisfied without bothering to make up javascript code. it's probably not even difficult javascript I would be using; probably just something like substring or whatever. eh. I don't really care.
so I had to fix that up.

and now I'm reading through my old posts. this seems to be the first post that sort of sounds like me. before that, for some reason I decide I would behave like a child on it. it was my first foray onto the internet of my own content; I was naive at the time, okay? even then I didn't like the way it sounded. and everything has changed since that september. except my taste in things. the majority of my friends are different, or at least shifted in placement. or maybe not. I may be making this up in my head. a bunch of people at that point are now in different places in my life, anyway. my style in my blog has changed. the layout has changed (thank god... looking at these old ones and it's like "argh!").

by mid-october it's become me. finally. when I'm feeling depressed and unsure of the relationship I was in.

and now I've become distracted by a link I had in there that I decided I would see where it was right now. "Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy." I have no idea what to make of this guy. some of this stuff is just so wrong, and then he'll say something intelligent, maybe; it's rather infuriating in that I can't force myself to despise him as an irritating jackass despite the fact that he is the opposite of almost everything I stand for. I don't know. it's irritating. I definitely don't like him, but I can't hate him. and then the fucker has to go say this. fuck. now I'm not allowed to hate him. he's an open-minded closed-minded person.


bah. I need to stop reading that.

and I should post this.
I've been typing it up for over an hour now. probably longer; I don't know. arrrgggh. et cetera.

and I really should go to bed. what time is it? 4:30. it's not late, no, no; it's early.
bah.

scrabbled by james at 2:26 AM  
I'm not really, but I feel like I'm neglecting my blogger and not posting in it as much. It's because I'm posting so often in my diary-x journal. for instance, looking at the archives, I've posted 30-someodd times in that since it started near the beginning of march. 35. since march 26th, how many times have I posted? the 26th, coincidentally, being one week ago with my mind still working on right now as tuesday. 18. eighteen posts in seven days. and a lot of those were lengthy posts. and let's not forget the bio page as well.

it's not like really had anything to talk about. I've just been updating it like crazy. because I'm a maniac. "MANIAC!!" and so now my blog feels lonely. there's been ten posts in my blog over the same timespan. and some of those have been pretty small. like the last post, or this one.

I don't know. maybe it's just that my other journal has gotten so many more hits in less than a month than this one has since whenever I put the sitemeter on it. and, regardless, since the end of august when it started. so... I don't know. but now all my sites seems to be getting visitors, in part due to my diary-x journal, in part due to interest in my other project, and in part due to the experiments. so... I don't know. I'm a GOD! or something. no, I don't know. sometimes things just happen, so you go with them. et cetera.

I seem to just go with them a lot these days. and 'things' often seem to be 'moods'. eh. something something something. some people will regret writing things later and take them out, or make them private (this is something which can be done in diary-x, and I've seen it in numerous instances), but I don't regret. I refuse to. things happen; that's the way it goes. run with it. besides, what is really worth regretting? seriously, I would like people to answer me that question. what is worth regretting? I have comments; put your response in there.

I think I'm going to add that elsewhere as well.

scrabbled by james at 3:18 AM  
nightmares are a very physical thing.

scrabbled by james at 3:18 AM  
if it weren't for my music, my immediate physical sensation and environment would seem very nightmare-ish.

scrabbled by james at 5:20 PM  
back in res now.
feeling rather down.
allergies are a bitch and they're stll bothering me from home.
my computer is fucking up. it keeps moving lines of stuff leftwards on the monitor in a pulsating grainy fashion.
my fabulous fucking high-speed connection through the school is fucking around and not loading things properly.
yay for birthdays.

scrabbled by james at 3:04 AM  
I am now officially twenty.

god. for someone who doesn't care about his birthday, I certainly mention it an awful lot. what is with me? I've been mentioning my birthday incessantly and going on about how much I really don't care about it.

I'm getting distracted.

I am allergic to my house.

I am trying to make this computer (not my laptop) into something I like better. I have to be careful, though; it's not just mine.

still getting distracted.

a joy division cover playing through computer's speakers.
and I can't really focus on anything right now.
I'm going to stop now. okay then.

scrabbled by james at 2:32 PM  
going home for the weelend shortly.
as in about half an hour.
right now I'm wasting time doing this instead of getting ready.

I'm not really in the mood for this right now. I'm not really in the mood for anything right now, actually... I don't know; something happened in my head last night (though I have no idea what) that's kind of set me off on everything.
a general apathetic bleh towards all but maybe a few simple things. like painting, for example. don't really know what's got me into this mood. not my impending birthday; I really don't care about it, though I know turning twenty bothers a lot of people. a sort of way of saying "gah, I'm an adult!" screw that reaction. twenty isn't any different than nineteen, really. a completely unimportant measure of anything. so.

cevin key in the background. frozen sky.

scrabbled by james at 2:44 AM  
just kind of curious right now...
I was going to post this on experiment three, but I decided it would be more appropriate in my own forum... do people lose more freedom as they get older?
what I mean is, is that I'm nineteen. in four days I'll be twenty. I feel almost invincible in the world. I feel like I can do almost anything. I don't care what other people's reactions are. I enjoy standing on tables. hell, I enjoy standing on anything that'll put me higher than a normal height. it makes some of my friends think I'm trying to be the centre of attention, but it's really because it's what I feel like doing, regardless of others. I enjoy making a racket in a public place. I enjoy being silly. I enjoy not caring what others think.
I feel very free.
and then I find people who are willing to do things that I am not, who seem even more free in some situations. but at the same time I do things that they do not. I feel like I am one of the free-est people possible.

but I'm young.

can people stay free?

I think I can. if in nothing else than I don't think I could live in the real world. I have no real plans for supporting myself once I leave university, and I doubt very much I'm going to make any plans.
my plan is to create for myself a new reality.
(fucking idealist. --and I only swear at myself because I won't take it personally or as a solid verdict on the world.)

I want to live my life as a character from a novel.

scrabbled by james at 10:37 PM  
sitting on my bed period new sentence I can apostrophe t think of what to write comma really period new sentence I feel like I should be writing something semicolon I feel like something should be occuring period new sentence perhaps this has something to do with ambient feelings that may dash or dash may dash not exist for a specific person period new sentence earlier today they felt like perhaps they were real period new sentence she sat beside me in my room and I thought to myself that I period period period wanted to kiss her comma space period period period space that doesn apostrophe t feel like it adequately covers what I felt period new sentence that feels so miserably inadequate period new sentence the legendary pink dots on winamp semicolon it apostrophe s a long way to andromeda but surely we apostrophe ll marry in the spring period

new paragraph edward ka dash spel seems to be expressing me better than myself at the moment period new sentence I don apostrophe t know period new sentence not the exact thing semicolon but the period period period images comma perhaps question mark new sentence the images that arise in my head period new sentence perhaps not even the images semicolon perhaps the colour of the images period new sentence sigh period new sentence she apostrophe s in class right now period new sentence hrm comma space period period period if people I know were to read this they could probably very well figure out who I apostrophe m talking about period period period period new sentence sometimes I just really don apostrophe t know what I want at all semicolon I don apostrophe t really know what I want to be happening or what I want to be thinking or anything period new sentence my perception of the world is skewed comma and the mood I apostrophe m in isn apostrophe t an easily resettable one period

new paragraph sigh period

scrabbled by james at 10:13 PM  
(sounds.)

scrabbled by james at 2:52 PM  
just had some lunch shortly ago. breakfast was an apple, because that's all I thought I had time for. woke up at 11:20, my class starts at 11:30. so I rush to get ready, despite having said to myself, "you are going to eat a real breakfast today, james." get to my class; the room's locked. okay, I says, maybe we're having studio time (the class is in digital music; it's part lecture/part lab time). so I head up to the lab; it's open and people from my class are in there. with lab time, we have a different schedule; everybody's in three different slots for one hour. my hour starts 12:30. so I go back to sit in my room for a bit, irritated that I could've eaten a full breakfast, but now I couldn't because I no longer had time. 12:30 I go back to the lab. and now it's locked. the lecture room is now open, but instead there's what appears to be an unrelated performance going on (I think it might have been an exam or something, judging by the small number of people I saw in the room). so I missed my class. which is not good, because I missed the one two weeks ago where the theory for our current assignment was explained, and I didn't find it out last week. so I'm a bit irritated. but really I don't care right now.

I managed to figure out how to add a comments system to my diary-x journal, so I feel special... now everything's got a comments system. mwahahahaha!!! I am evil! et cetera!

I'm sure I had something interesting to put in here a little while ago. I can't remember now. sigh.

et cetera.

scrabbled by james at 9:32 PM  
okay, the problem I mentioned in my last post seems to be bug 132673. it's really annoying. if it's not solved soon I'm going to downgrade to the milestone build from my nightly build. it was working in that; this is a more recent problem.

I was also invited to join experiments 3+4; I did the join up thing, but it didn't seem to work entirely. it's not on my list at the moment; maybe if I log out and back in it'll be.

so we'll see what happens with that.

da da dummm....

scrabbled by james at 12:43 AM  
hrm. mozilla builds 2002032408, and, I think it was 2002032306 don't want to behave properly. my comment tags don't show up in them. and it's not just my comments, it's everybody who's using YACCS. the pyrads also don't show up, at least not the links. the note below shows still.

what to do, what to do...

scrabbled by james at 12:02 AM  
earlier:

I just have this image in my head, this immense greenery...

scrabbled by james at 12:00 AM  
james no sleep may become somewhat permanent.

scrabbled by james at 11:59 PM  
standing outside on a railing, balanced between two levels of bars. snow falling lightly. I stare blankly ahead, eyes unfocused (or rather, not looking at what my eyes focused at). little glistening sparks cross through my vision as tiny snowflakes reflect the light of the lampposts.

gorgeous.

scrabbled by james at 4:41 AM  
lying on my bed, reading weblogs.
I want someone to kiss very much right now.

stephen is apparently going to bed now.
he think's he's so big not being insane.
I'll show him who's insane!

but that's a side note, anyways. which isn't a real word. 'anyways', that is.
my point was that I want someone to kiss. everything makes me want someone.
I listen to music, it makes me want someone.
I read things, I want someone.
I hang around with my friends, I want someone.
yesterday while I was with bryanna and stephen, watching them made me think of situations like that I've been in in the past... gorgeously nice. when a girl has the expression of happiness that comes from that, she's more beautiful than she'll ever be any other time... just the smile on the face is the purest of smiles possible.
a gorgeous smile; and I wish I had someone smiling for me.

I don't know if this is sounding like I'm depressed or lonely, but that's not the intention. it's more wistful than anything... a rememberance of things I've experienced. god.
I want to hold this rhetorical girl's face an inch from mine, poised; I want to kiss her like I've kissed before. god, memory can be rather vivid and intense.
a beautiful girl, and beauty is such a powerful thing... beauty is so important to everything. everything is about beauty.

not superficial beauty. irrelevant. real beauty. my magnolia is beautiful to me. my writing is beautiful to me. my friends are beautiful to me. love is beautiful. 'american beauty' is beautiful in exactly the sense I mean. I saw that movie, and I was just so ... I can't think of a word. language is not sufficient. beauty is just such a difficult thing to describe in real words.
words are so useless sometimes. but I use them anyway, and try to convey beauty.

that is what I hope with all of my writing; with my webpage, with my weblogs. I want to express the beauty I see in the best way I can, and I see my writing and such as beautiful.

where is my rhetorical girl?


---
(still doing james no sleep, so read there too...)

scrabbled by james at 1:23 AM  
just sitting here reading experiment 1: night, which is very good and interesting. the guy who does it is just essentially talking about the things we all know in the back of our heads but never discuss, never allow to surface... I'm enjoying it very much.

while reading it, I just thought of something that bryanna said to me earlier today. problems still exist between her and our friend; problems which do not want to go away, unfortunately, and which really shouldn't exist. it was something along the lines of the concept of, when she came here, she hoped that living in residence, being so close to people all the time and being in close contact with them, would provide an atmosphere of openness, where everyone could be really open with each other and talk about everything. and, in a way, it has, really. in ways, at least. I feel like I can really talk to my friends about things; I care about people here. I used to never care about people; they were all rather irrelevant and had no real effect on my life, with only a few exceptions. but here people are important to me. and I can feel like I'm important to people. which is nice, very nice, and is something I desire with everything. I wrote in august, I think, on paper, that I wanted to socialise, and that I felt ridiculous for saying that. (maybe I'll put in a tag later to jump to the part precisely, but in the meantime you can read it and find it. it's a bit more than half-way down, anyway, but read the whole thing, I say. I think it's interesting.) in a way, though, it's not currently what bryanna had in mind. and I understand that. she did not foresee her current situation with our friend, and, unfortunately, it seems that the 'easy solution' is to deny human emotion. it's a fucked up situation, and it'd be nice if it didn't exist. our friend is currently setting herself up to be unhappy and to make others unhappy. it's not her intention, and she apparently refuses to believe that this is what she's doing. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and then everyone would be miraculously happy (I'm big on having miraculous stuff happen; not miracles, miraculous stuff. I'm not into that claptrap), but that ain't gonna happen. I want to do something about it though.

yeah.
still doing james no sleep... the link's a bit lower; I don't feel like writing it again. go to there for that project.

scrabbled by james at 9:46 PM  
been working on another new painting today, entitled "to james, for the occasion of his 20th birthday, from james." it is a birthday present to myself, or least so I have declared it in its title. yes, that's right, my twentieth birthday is approaching. march 31st. whee, I don't really care. I'm not really excited, and I'm not really depressed about it; I'm pretty apathetic on the issue.
I like the painting so far. it's generally (I always write 'genereally' first... it's irritating) very abstract at the moment, being primarily just a bunch of slashed lines and patches of red, blue, and yellow, with a bit of mixing. in one corner are three big xes; in another is a little box with two of my stick people with no arms. over top of all this I plan on painting a clockwork toy, based on this one I have. I did a sketch for it a few moments ago; I plan to do a painted study of it as well, just to make sure I can do it. it's goin in such a way that I can't really just paint over it if I screw it up, so... it seems I'm doing a lot of that in paintings these days... painting things that I can't paint over if I screw them up, not screwing up. mmm painting is fun. I'm going to make sure I do it more often.

my parents are asking if I'm going to come home for my birthday. I haven't decided yet if I will, but I think I might, on account of I haven't been home since christmas. I don't know. it's just sort of awkward, in that I don't really want to do anything about it; I don't really want to do too much of anything about anything. I'd rather just sit around and relax and do what I want, but it has to be a bit awkward in everything right now.

and I'm still trying to not sleep. read about it there. it's an interesting idea, I've been told. so c'mon... peer pressure! peer pressure!

...yeah.

scrabbled by james at 6:56 PM  
oh, just as a note...
if anyone who knows me reads this over the next few days, anything that may be taken as awkward situations isn't anymore, so... don't look at anything differently, I guess.

and now I feel that might make things get looked at differently. my precautions can cause more problems than the situations themselves.

my point is, is that any situations that might be taken as situations, are, in fact, not.
so don't worry about it. I'm doing enough of that, evidentally.

yeah.

scrabbled by james at 2:40 AM  
yeah. I'm just signing off for this blog for the next few days...

to keep yourself updated on where I am right now read james no sleep starting in about ten hours, and then after this point I do not intend to sleep for as long as I can... whee.

therefore, I should sleep now.

sleeeeeeeeep.

scrabbled by james at 9:00 PM  
okay, I'm boggled by the fact that, I just set it up yesterday, and I've already had two visits to my blog from people who visited my "james no sleep" project. it hasn't even started yet. I also got a visit to life as a dinosaur as well from james no sleep.

hardly anyone comes to my blog. I start up a web page, nobody goes to it either. I start up life as a dinosaur, and within a few weeks it's had more visits than my blog has since I started it at the end of august last year.
huh.
and then I start james no sleep, and almost as soon as I set it up it's already had visitors.
it's insane.

insane, I tells ya!
in-san-e!

scrabbled by james at 8:25 PM  
hm...
I don't really know what to write right now.
I just felt like logging in to blogger and doing something.
so I'm doing something.

"something!"

whee, I'm silly.

scrabbled by james at 3:01 PM  
okay, so I'm figuring things out at the moment...
just tried out my websites in ie 5.5 and netscape 4.7 (I've been using mozilla build 0.9.9)...
and I've discovered something. a lot of the stuff I'm doing with them isn't completely compatible with older browsers. I knew some of it wouldn't be, but I figured it would be ignored, or something. but rather, some of it just fucks up.
in ie5.5, things are reasonably okay. a few things are slightly off of how I want them, but nothing major.
in netscape 4.7, however, the comment boxes on this page are fucked... the text entry box for the comments isn't there, there are little green boxes floating around, and I'm not certain how to fix that... I'm betting it's due to me giving style properties to the form elements and this old browser not being able to handle them. which could be a problem, given that it is still a very common browser. well, it could be a problem, if people visited my site. but people don't. so it might not be a problem. but I want to take care of it anyway.
another, probably bigger, problem, is my other journal. things are not where they are supposed to be. the fonts are different as well, but that's not something I'm too concerned about (the fonts are different here, for that matter... but I'm not crying my eyes out over it). this is a problem I'm more concerned about in that people evidentally read that one. so if people read it and it behaves fucked up, well... that makes me look bad. so I need to fix that.

the only other thing I can say is, if you're using netscape 4.7, update your browser. I know it's a nuisance, especially on a modem connection, but if you don't, the internet might just look fucked up and you'll miss out on things. either that or use (*ugh*) ie. I hate ie. but ie 5.5 is far ahead of netscape 4.7 (though netscape 6.2 is ahead of ie 5.5... haven't tried ie 6, so I can't comment on that... oh, and I'm forgetting that mac versions are different numbers. I can't say what version for you guys; I'm not familiar enough. netscape versions are the same, though).

so yeah. update your browser. or use mozilla; it's the same thing as netscape, but more fun. and updates sooner, since it's the source material. (i.e., mozilla is currently at version 0.9.9, netscape 6.2 uses mozilla 0.9.4). so yeah. things.

and another note, starting thursday, I will be seeing how long I can stay awake as part of a project. so from thursday until I fall asleep, you can read my blog at james no sleep (which is fine in netscape 4.7, by the way). so yeah. should be interesting.

things.

scrabbled by james at 4:12 AM  
yeah, so I didn't go to the trail of dead show tonight
(because three fifty a m still counts as tonight).
I just wasn't really in the mood; and it's about an hour to get downtown from here (which is ridiculous; I'm technically in the city here at university... it's the bus's fault, anyway. there's a half-hour bus ride to the end of the subway line, and then it's about half an hour to get right to the centre of downtown...) so it's not an easy last-minute-deciding-to-go thing, as bryanna astutely pointed out earlier today.

so I didn't go. it was probably a good show I missed. bah... I'll cope.

was up watching tv until about an hour ago... watching snl episodes; a current one with sir ian mckellan hosting, and god was he funny (I liked when you could see him dancing to the side of the stage while carlie minogue performed... he's what, 70?), and an old one with dennis hopper hosting. we ordered pizza; stephen went back to his res to take a shower after we ordered it, intending to come back, but by the time I left he still hadn't returned and bryanna and I had eaten a good portion of the pizza.
so.

and today I found out that someone has linked to my diary-x journal. I feel rather special for that. I'm on her list of people she stalks, so I'm stalking her back in turn to see what she's like.
turnabout is fair play, after all.

yeah. a lot more people seem to read that already than either my blog or my website. I guess that's in part because of the listing method is more user-friendly on that; it's a smaller system than blogger, so when you publish, you're typically on the 'recent updates' list longer than you are on blogger's; as well as there being a feature which allows you to set it up to tell you when selected journals are updated and whatnot; I've read more individual different diary-x journals than blogs, really. maybe people are also a bit more creative on names there, which is going to be your initial draw.

not that I'm critising blogger; I've found both useful for different purposes so far. it depends on which is the format I feel is more appropriate for which I choose. blogger tends to be more coherent and written, whereas diary-x tends to be more fragmentary and poetic for me. so.

yeah.
and then there's my website, as well, which also has writing of mine, previously done on paper, as well as inane drawings I've done on my computer, like the one to the left.
and a hackeneyed 'about me' section where I tried to play games, essentially, and just made a big mess.
and links to some of my friends. go see my friends. they're entertaining too.

yeah.

scrabbled by james at 2:58 AM  
okay, so today I decided I'd put in a commenting system for my blog, so should anyone actually read it they can post comments to me. should be interesting if someone does. then I can initiate a dialogue, perhaps, or something of interest or gibberish.
I spent way too much time on it; making it look all pretty and such and designing the basic little box; it's astounding how much time it can take to make a small little thing and get it set up in a way that isn't appalling to one's own eye. pyschic tv is on my computer right now; orchids. genesis p-orridge is a bizarre man, but the song is fairly pretty.
I could use more pretty stuff these days.

I suppose that might be part of the logic being my plan for my next painting assignment. it's supposed to be coming from a standpoint of doing a 'rural landscape that you've experienced', but that's a very loose terming and phrasing with relation to the actual class.

I plan to paint a magnolia.

at my house we have a large magnolia growing in the front yard in front of my window. it smells very nice; the blossoms are large pink-white flowers, very thick juicy petals that eventually carpet the ground once they fall off. it's one of the few things that I feel sentimental about my town for.
we had some beautiful plants in our yard.

I want more beautiful things in my life right now.
stephen and bryanna were lying together while we watched a movie earlier with roxanne as well; they looked so comfortable, and it made me think of the beauty of that sort of comfort that I've felt before.
that's the best part of being with someone; the beauty of luxurious comfort, a beauty that makes you want to kiss the person and absorb them into you through your lips.
I've felt that before; it'd be nice to feel it again.

tomorrow is the trail of dead show; haven't decided when I'm going down yet. I might try to go down earlier and see tash; or I might go down shortly before the show.
the funny thing is that my mood at the current moment is one where I don't really want to go. but all this time I keep saying how much I want to go, etc.
mmrm.

I'd like to have someone I could lie with, just wrapping my arms around and holding close. so very, very comfortable.
mmm.

mmm.

scrabbled by james at 8:15 PM  
I'm tired right now.
mrag.
finally finished that damn essay today and handed it in. it's crap, but my primary focus was "it's worth 25% of my mark. if I don't get it done my chances of passing will be much more slim." so that finally managed to get me moving again.
listening to the trail of dead; two days until the show. I'm assuming that there will still be tickets, because I like to assume things (and don't give me that bullshit 'when you assume...' crap; it's moronic and irritating).
so now that I'm finished the essay I can relax for a few minutes until I start working on my three things for next week. university isn't really harder than high school (at least it doesn't really seem it too much); it's just that everything is worth more and there's no real incentive to work on things until the last minute. gah. I don't like that comment being in there. but I'm spiteful towards myself and I'll leave it in (and now I'm equating this with dostoevsky though I can't remember for certain if this is really in there. eh). yeah. I don't know.
james is tired. that's my primary concern.
james isn't going to sleep though; james doesn't know what's good for him. james, james, james...

the third person can be fun sometimes.

stephen will be please to hear I just got my photos back today, as he took a bunch at the beginning of the roll. I like taking pictures; because I'm vain and silly and I have a good-quality camera so I can take good-quality pics. slrs are nice and take pretty pictures. at some point I'll get some scanned and post them (some day...)
well, I have some scanned... but I need to make them smaller so that I have enough room to put them up, or get more space somewhere. hey there's my one picture up at the top, anyway... I'm a dinosaur. a triceratops, more exactly.
that was an awkward phrasing.

and I'm just noting to myself that I could put in some more documentation of what's been going on with my friend since 12:42 pm on march 12, but I don't want to at the moment; my mind's not into it right now. I have something in my other journal from yesterday anyway, if you're really so inclined as to look (c'mon, look! I'm cool, read my stuff, go to my webpage, come on! peer pressure!)
yeah. I'm a geek.

jimmy the geek.

scrabbled by james at 12:42 PM  
bryanna just came by.
she's late for work right now, but she wants me to check on our friend to make sure she's okay. bryanna's still visibly affected; I don't blame her. it's really getting to her too.
so.

it's really fucking upsetting. I wish my friends could all be happy. but life isn't a fucking idyllic place.

I'd rather not have to deal with this, but I have no choice.

scrabbled by james at 12:15 PM  
my depressed friend is in a bad way.

last night she had another breakdown. yelling at our friends. it was rather bad. we're all getting really fucking worried about her. after she finally managed to get calmed down enough to go to bed, bryanna, stephen and I sat around for a good couple of hours trying to figure out what we could do and get our heads on straight. we were seriously really worried. it's not just hard on her; it's hard on the rest of us to watch her hurting so badly. we all care about her, but there doesn't seem to be much we can do. bryanna's taking this extra tough because she probably cares the most about her, and feels responsible. making it so that there's another for us to try and console, I guess. but this is really bad. our friend is not doing well, and there doesn't seem to be much we can do to help. and we're worried it's just going to get worse.

scrabbled by james at 8:10 PM  
eating dinner.
working on an essay. (duchamp).
listening to smog -
bathysphere.
now it's over.
listening to allen ginsberg - howl, now.

finally found a theory on the bride stripped bare by her bachelors, even that makes sense (thank god). now I just have to write the whole damn thing.

it's interesting, at least. I like duchamp. the more I read about him, the more I understand him now (as compared to my previous 'the more I read, the less I understand him'), and the more I like his work. his fans on the internet are many, it seems as well, and intelligent ones who write analyses of the bride or make artworks based off of it

I like putting howl on in part because it means I don't have to pick a new song for quite a while,

this essay is going to be crap, though; I'm not going to have very much real supported info or sense or anything

the past two nights the power has gone off here. the first time it was understandable; there was a fairly bad snowstorm in the area. but last night's was just pointless and ridiculous. the power was out from around midnight to 3:20 (my clock is now three hours and twenty minutes slow).

finally presented my dinosaur project today; I found it amusing. now I just have everything else to deal with, particularly my essay. yay.

on an unrelated note, I think I may be getting interested in the girl I was interested in before again (see a whole bunch of january or february for my previous mentions of infatuation). so yeah. once again, nothing will probably come of that.
because I am special, I guess. words are hard and get in the way in situations, particularly spoken. written isn't so bad, except for the loss of inflections, but it allows one more time to phrase, to organise, to create the thoughts that are trying to be conveyed as coherent things instead of half-formed intuitive things. which is why I have my blog, and why I have my website, and why I have my life as a dinosaur. but this is a sort of thing that requires words, and words require a voice, and a voice requires a mind, and a mind requires a provocation to tell the voice "go!", and then the voice needs a viable situation in which it can feel comfortable saying words. and it seems any time that there is some sort of provocation there isn't any viable situation around. things never line up so I can't find out just how far I would like this to go.

and I really need to get to work on my essay.

scrabbled by james at 11:49 PM  
alright. everything is pretty now.
yay!

....that took way too long, though. damn perfectionism!

scrabbled by james at 10:59 PM  
okay, I've been screwing around with this for about an hour now, and I think I'm just about satisfied with what I've done. I'm running into a bit of a problem with my new archive version, but I'm working it out, I think.
so.... here goes with the new look.

scrabbled by james at 9:58 PM  
just updated my template. this post is to see how it looks, mostly.

scrabbled by james at 8:46 PM  

Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?

Scowling wilfully towards Autobot City, you're Megatron!

Look in a mirror and feel the evil. Then eat the mirror. You eat mirrors for breakfast. You are a badass death robot. You busted on Optimus Prime. You. Are. Megatron. Go outside and burn some animals, because you're worth it.

oh yeah.
I rock.

-------------
and elsewise...

I'm in a pretty good mood right now... listening to sonic youth. it was really warm out earlier; it was weather for which a coat was not necessary. it was rather nice...

roxanne is borrowing 'daydream nation' from me... I was talking to her earlier about sonic youth and the pixies, so now I'm lending her that... she seems to be enjoying it, so hey... more people liking good music is always a good thing

and my mind is rather vague in its being right now... wandering sideways through walls to voodoo landscapes; earlier I painted the first thing I saw this morning, the light entering through closed eyelids and the images held within it
maybe it's not quite finished yet... but it's a work that's about the concept very much. in love with the idea, perhaps.... I've used that phrase before, I'm sure of it...
I think I can do some beautiful things



and I'm not in the mood to punctuated everything properly

I want to paint these words.
I want to change this layout.

excitement and thrill.

...

scrabbled by james at 4:12 PM  
okay, so here's what's up:
finished my yoko ono paper today.
or rather, started my yoko ono paper today. finished it in about four hours. good job for me! I'm proud of my half-assed last minute paper; in that it was half-assed and last minute, but still completed.
got an extension on the marcel duchamp until monday. I now have a couple more days to fret over it! yeah!
my computer is still hooked up to my printer (I have a laptop, so I only hook it up when I need it). the stupid cable is getting in the way. and if I want to unplug the cable, then I have to turn off my computer so I don't fry things, and it's all a nuisance. grr...
djordje has gone home for the weekend. he left just a minute ago. literally.
I started a diary-x journal, entitled life as a dinosaur. I have a bunch of pictures for that; I need to post them somewhere where I can find space. (those pictures would be the ones I refer to ... or not, evidentally... I mention them in passing on the second... but only briefly.... I thought I mentioned them again after I got them developed. hrm) I like my dinosaur pictures.

and I lost my track.

listening to placebo. allergic (to thoughts of mother earth). tash gave me this tape a little over a year ago. it was the day she broke up with me, actually... and I am saying that, not longingly or mourningly,or anything, just as a matter of fact... we're still quite good friends.

last night I was talking to nick on ICQ... sent him my dinosaur story. he got a kick out of it. I like my dinosaurs. he made me want to eat a pear, the binary fruit. perfect for computers. et cetera. my mind has wandered off of a cliff now, so I'm going to stop for now.

yeah.

scrabbled by james at 12:16 AM  
mmmm
been noting that everything is so sexual with me lately. and I mean that in the sense of the things I write, the things I draw, the things I think... normally my life isn't this ...focused on the issue; it's usually more ambiguous in my mind. side-issuey.
but lately it's been dead centre of everything.

I actually remember a while ago thinking that I would like to put more eroticism in my work. I don't remember why.... I think it just felt right. this has got to be about a month or two ago... listening to sonic youth and thinking things don't have to be obviously sexual in order to be eroticised. djordje keeps coming in and out of the room and I want the door to be in a certain position right now; keep having to realign it to my desired place. eating a mirage bar; I was looking for a certain texture of chocolate. he's in the room again; I'd rather be in here by myself right now. doctor's orders.

he's left again. the door closed itself to just the right place.

...
supposed to be working on two essays right now. one yoko ono; the other marcel duchamp, the bride stripped bare by her bachelors, even. not succeeding too well. the image of the chocolate grinder in the bride... brought the chocolate to mind, along with connotations from the mention of duchamp's usage of it in my critical issues in the studio class last semester. there was a lot of duchamp in that, mondrian as well for earlier works such as the red tree. I'd rather be dealing with that stuff again than the stuff I'm dealing with in my lectures right now. I don't really mind my art history, but it's rather dry and I primarily don't want to write the essay, coupled with the fact that the bride... is a very complex and documented work that I don't have time to sort through the documentation of. I chose it though, so I can only really blame myself. but I think it's a piece I'd rather examine on interest than on academics. arts and ideas, on the other hand, is a complete nightmare of a course mandated upon all fine arts students here. my only focus with it right now is to just make sure I pass it so I don't have to take it again. when we get our 'grade this course' things this semester, god, this is getting so low marks. I hate the attitude some people take with those, though; they give a course as good as they can so everyone after them has to suffer through the same thing they did. I hate that attitude because it's the sort of thing that can screw me over with people beforehand doing it. no one should have to suffer my horrible facs class. ech.

going to see the above-linked yoko ono show at the AGO tomorrow. initially had that planned for today, but decided I'd work on essays today, do yoko tomorrow. the plan hasn't worked out too well, except in that I found out that the AGO is open later on wednesdays than tuesdays, so it gives me a bit more time to look at the exhibit. and I've noticed that I've been writing this entry for at least half an hour, and have slowly been eating my chocolate for longer than that. I'm so screwed for all this; these are going to be two half-assed papers I hand in.
at least I've got sonic youth to keep me company.

scrabbled by james at 11:41 PM  
la la la. updating my blog so much lately.
wheee.
and it's all about the same fucking thing. everything is dealing with this fucking angst I have over the bryanna/stephen thing. I'm fucking depressing myself to a degree.

I don't know why I really care. why it's giving me so much angstiness. sigh.
I guess I want to be involved in everything. and there are some things I can't be. and I don't know.

and I happen to be talking to her on icq and I can't tell what's going on exactly because tone isn't conveyed through plain type. and I don't know. it's throwing me off of everything, not knowing the tone. I either touched on something sensitive in what I was writing, or was just harassing her jokingly and she took it as such. soooo.... yeah.
and she's working on stuff, so I'm not really in a position to try and figure it out without harassing her even more. so...
additional conversation implies the latter, I think. ehhh... I guess I'm just a jackass sometimes, and that irritates me in a way. errrh.

general irritation with myself in ways. it'd be nice if I could be a part of everything.


...

scrabbled by james at 5:52 PM  
okay, my browser likes to die a lot right now; think I'm going to update to a newer mozilla shortly. the build I have isn't too friendly with blogger for some reason; it doesn't respond very well to my orders and such. yeah.

so after I'm finished I'm going to install a new version to see if things have been dealt with yet. hopefully some will have. yeah.

... and I'm tired. james sleepy.
james also think "james want alter look of blog." james need to find time and decide what to do with it then.
then james rule world.

mwahahaha.

I think I might have figured out the jealousy thing now; the reason behind it: I want every girl to love me. because I'm vain, perhaps, or perhaps it's just a natural instinct thing. or I might just feel I need attention and have a preference for it from females. I'm very much heterosexual. so yeah. my logic is that she should be interested in me, I guess, because it suits me better to have her interested in me. which is completely irrelevant to anything, though.

key to the issue is that I don't have a girlfriend or anything. noting the word I usually use is "involved", possibly because "going out", etc., sound to formal for the way things happened. so. but yeah. key to the issue. I'm sort of let down by the fact that there don't seem to be too many girls interested in me. I'm an attactive young male, smart, entertaining, plays a musical instrument (creatively and well), a good dancer, et cetera. I've got so much going for me. I'm not even exaggerating for my own purposes here; I'm honestly all these things. yet very rarely do I have any girls say anything to me. typically the best I get is a "I like the way you dance", and often not even in a hitting-on type of manner, more matter-of-fact. maybe it's, as tash once described me, that I'm 'good looking, but not hot.' she went out with me for three years; she's allowed to make these sorts of judgements. my older brother, in contrast, was described as 'not as good-looking, but hotter.' I can understand these judgements, actually; I can get the implication in the differences between him and I. but still, I am attractive. I have a very elegant face, and my hair hangs off my head more nicely now than it has in ages. I look sort of like the stereotypical vampire in a movie where they are portrayed as sexy, except my clothes aren't so victorian. so I don't know. genes ran well in my family; my brothers and I are all above average intellegence, and are all good looking. so yeah.

but I never have girls come up to me, though.
the only other reason I can think of is that pretty much all my friends are girls. guy with girls implies taken, I guess. though I make no behaviour towards it! c'mon girls... james is sexy. give him your love.

note: this is not me trying to get sex, as much as that 'give me your love' line might sound it. it was merely an awkward sentence. maybe I don't have people come up to me because I'm too pedantic sometimes.
arr. sigh.

and so on.